The Perfect Family…

So I have been married over two months now. I am back in the States and everything is going great. In fact, I have everything figured out. Sometimes I am surprised how well I have everything down already. I mean, I am only 26 and I already know how to be happy all the time and I definitely have control over everything in my life. I never get upset or sad. I don’t think I have ever been depressed and I have never lost my temper. I think that I might have the perfect family, after all, I am perfect and I am always doing well, just ask and I’ll tell you, “yea, everything is good.” My house is always clean and I am never bored. I spend time everyday reading the bible and praying, I am a pretty spiritual person, I mean I was a missionary for a couple of years. I am always full of energy and I always put others in front of myself. I always know how to deal with any situation that comes about and I don’t have any regrets and I definitely don’t feel ashamed for anything that I have done or not done in the past.

Wow, sometimes I amaze myself.

If only that were true…hahaa, if that were true then I would be worried.

Everything I just wrote…take the opposite and you will find me somewhere in between. Don’t get me wrong, I love my life and I wouldn’t trade it for anything. I love my wife and our daughter more than anything…but things are far from perfect and for me to lead you to believe that would just make you want to crawl deeper into whatever hole you are trying to dig yourself out of, and it would be a lie.

And what does everything being perfect have to do with me loving my family with all my heart? What does having problems have to do with the kind of person I am? Having problems and imperfections might just be what can make things great.

If you pretend everything is all good in your life then I just might want to dig myself a little deeper into the whole that I am in too…in fact, so will all of the people around you who love you. So let’s try to cut the crap as much as we can. I am not saying we should all be brutally honest, God knows I am not up for that even though that is probably what he wants, but maybe we can do just a little bit.

“But Joe, what about that time you spent in Honduras, weren’t you always happy and always fulfilled?”

Hahahaaaa. Of course not. Did I love working there and helping people? With all my heart. Was I still lonely at times? Did I sometimes feel like I didn’t belong? Did I get angry there? Was I ever bored there? Was I ever sad there? Of course. Was my life perfect there? Hahaaaa, of course not and I am sorry if I ever portrayed that to anyone. Again, I loved working there and I could easily live my life in a place like that but by no means was it ‘perfect.’

Last weekend Tara and I were in the car alone and we got into a fight…we aren’t even really sure why. It became heated and I punched the windshield. It cracked. I am not a violent person but sometimes I get frustrated. First thing I thought after I did that was, “wow, I am stupid” followed closely by, “what am I going to tell everyone.” Then I started thinking of something that I heard not to long ago. The basic point was people who expect perfection are the people who try to cover up things the most. In fact since I heard that I couldn't really get it out of my mind.

Then I wondered…am I the only one who has ever gotten frustrated enough and punched something? I mean, I might be led to believe I am but you have probably done something similar. Maybe your thing is making someone else feel like crap, maybe it is getting drunk until you don’t care any more…whatever it is there is something.

My advice…I’ll only give advice that I know to be true…if you get frustrated to the point of wanting to hit something…hit something that isn’t as expensive to fix as a windshield. Luckily I didn’t hurt my hand at all, but I would take that into account too. I have never hit a person but I would say that is probably the worst thing you could do.

I realized that if I just told everyone a rock hit the windshield then I would be trying to cover up things to make myself look perfect. I mean, what would others think? I am so embarrassed about this that I really wanted to say that, luckily Tara kept me from that. She may not know it, but she did. She has already heard me say a few times, “YOU TOLD THEM I HIT THE WINDSHIELD???” And to that she just said, “well, you did, what did you want me to say?” Hahaaa. Got to love it.

So here I am. Far from perfect, but trying. Loving my family the best that I can. At times, bored, confused, no sense of direction. Other times, so happy all I can do is smile, so glad to have Tara and this little girl in my life that I want to cry (and sometimes do). Messy house. Pet frogs. Dead frogs. Slugs, dried slugs. Clean clothes thrown on the floor. Full trash can. Clean floor. Toys on the floor. No myspace, but Facebook. No more Six Feet Under. Books sitting around that I haven’t read, movies all around that I have watched. Empty picture frames. Pictures on the fridge. Regular milk but out of Choco maco (chocolate milk). Honey mustard but the wrong kind, croissants but the wrong kind. Thank you cards not sent out. Birthday cards sent late all of the time. No kitchen table, prob wouldn’t use it anyways. Flies in the kitchen. Carved pumpkins outside. Peeper frog spoon and fork in with the other spoons and forks. Little girl’s frog raincoat hanging on a beautiful hook. Green witch hair on the ground. Nursing books everywhere. A loving wife, a beautiful daughter. So I guess this is not a house, it’s a home…and a pretty good one I would say.

Oh yeah...and a broken windshield.

It's a long one...

Sorry this is so long, I hate long ones...

So here I am again, back in Searcy, Arkansas. Never thought I would see this place again, but it is much different than it was when I was here…4 years ago, I love being here. Life has been great. Tara and I are doing wonderful adjusting to life here…together…and with Tristin. Tristin is being an Angel. I just put her down for a nap and she didn’t fuss or cry, so I told her a couple stories about Halloween (her favorite holiday) and she went right to sleep. She is doing so good, we spent the afternoon looking at pictures of Honduras as I told her the stories that go with the pictures. We also went out looking for snakes, turtles, and other reptiles (her favorite kind of animals) and watched Dumbo. I still have not found a job but I believe this to be a good thing, it is giving me a lot of time with Tristin and I am loving it and I think we need it.

Tara wrote about the wedding and I guess I just want to say a couple of things about it too. It was perfect. It was beautiful. Tara was the most beautiful bride I have ever seen, I am sure you agree seeing the pictures. There is not a day that I have been happier in. She really was the missing piece of my heart. Thanks to all of you who helped us…both of our parents and families, our friends, our minister (our good friend who performed the ceremony is a better way to put it, I believe) who came from Honduras and who made the wedding ceremony personal and real (and short, it was hot), thank you. I could go on and on about all of you who did so much to help us. Thank you for making that day perfect, and I never use the word “perfect” so you should know I really mean it.

So here I am living life in a new culture…weird to think that I am living here in the states and I am having to adjust back to what most of you know as “normal.” I never liked normal. I never liked the preconceived ideas of how things “should be,” or how people “should act.” Or even about how church “should be done.” Not that there is anything necessarily wrong with how things generally are, because there is not, but that does not necessarily mean that I have to agree with everything, neither do you.

5 days later…

Well, here I am a few days later, what I wrote earlier I just couldn’t finish for some reason. I think I know why now though. Two things have happened since then that I need to mention, but there are three that I will mention.

1. Gayle. I could go on and on about her. You know there are some people in your life who you really feel you can trust and you really feel like they believe in you and want the best for you. She is one of those people for me. She has loved me and believe in me unconditionally since we met and I am not sure why. Her dream of a clinic that is now done (!!!) is beautiful and I am so grateful that I had a small part in it. Her heart to want to help gives me strength. She has done so much for me I can’t even begin to mention all of it. Thank you.

2. Karen, Jenn, Yovani, Marvin, Mario, Francisco, and Antonio. Thank you Karen and Jenn for calling me last Sunday night and letting me talk to those precious young boys. You have no idea how glad I was to hear from all of you. I miss you guys and like I have told you, thank you for keeping me alive to those boys. I wish I could’ve brought them with me but there aren't any other people I would rather them be with, I am not sure if there is anyone who could love them more.

These two things have made me remember life that is slower. You know Mark Connell wrote about adjusting to life in the states and I loved so much the point that he made. Paul was “content” no matter what situation he was in. This is a little different for me because I miss Honduras so much but what I have now I love so much and know that this is where I am suppose to be, it is where I want to be, so I do not feel like I am “worthless” here, or that what I am doing now isn’t “as good” or “as meaningful.” If I didn’t have the single most important thing in my life (my wife) to fill this space, then I would be pretty bad off.

I’ve tried it before, believe me, I know.

It is so funny to look back and think that you were in a certain situation for a certain reason and then days, months, or years later you realize that the “plan” was a lot bigger and deeper than you thought. I am amazed over and over again at the lessons that God teaches me, maybe more amazed that through all of this I realize he loves me enough to teach me these things.

So I said all of that to say this. I have learned, on a very, very small level, to live content, to accept the situation I am in, and to let go of things when it is time and to not accept our culture’s lies, at least not try to…or at least be able to recognize them…some of the time. Not that any of this is easy or that I am good at it but that I see the pattern and have experienced it a little.

And again, I love where I am. There is no where else I would rather be, but no matter where I go or where I stay I know that I can be “content” because it will always be where I am suppose to be. Yes, sometimes I miss Honduras and my boys and sometimes I want to work to get the “best things” here in the US, but then I remember when life was slower. I remember what I have been taught (with lots of reminders). Make sense?

I said there were 3, only a little more, I promise.

3. Tara and Tristin. Tara is wonderful and beautiful and I love her more everyday. Same goes for Tristin. I love my time with both of them and they bring me so much joy. I can’t think of anything that I would rather invest my time, life, and heart in then these two precious girls. I can’t imagine life without them. I love this new chapter of my life that I am getting to co-create. Believe it or not, there is no where else I would rather be than back here in Searcy, Arkansas.

didn't we have the time of our lives?

Well, our wedding day has come and gone, and we are back in Searcy after a fantastic week in Costa Rica followed by a 22 hour drive back from AZ to AR straight, without stopping by the way, in order to be back on Monday when my nursing classes started. Well, the wedding was just perfect perfect; wonderful and there is no way I can do it justice but I'll try to share a few of the highlights with you all.

I speak for Joe and myself when I say I can't begin to thank everyone who helped us: Marty, Selena and Casey for letting us stay in and destroy their home for 2 weeks before the wedding; millions of thanks to Mark who not only traveled from Honduras to be at the wedding but for performing the ceremony for which he wrote the perfect words for our vows. I made the mistake of telling him the story about how when my best friend Alissa got married 2 years earlier, their minister actually surprised them with the question "what does love mean to you?" Of course they were not prepared for any question like that during their ceremony and it made them nervous, and I was telling Mark this to make sure he did not have anything like that up his sleve. Well, I'm pretty sure he didn't until I told him that. I could see it on his face the second I was done telling the story. Well, of course, no sooner had the ceremony started when he asked me the exact same question: "what does love me to you, Tara?" I turned to look at Alissa who later told me she was shocked and thinking: "What are the chances of this happening?!" It was hilarious and just the thing all the crying people needed to make them laugh.

Anyway, Mark, although he might not realize it, was the star of the show, everyone loved him, in fact, one of Joe's high school friends put in a request for him to do his wedding. We loved him too and can't thank him enough.

Thanks to Bob and Michelle for being at the wedding seeing as how they had a new baby girl on the Wednesday before our wedding on Saturday. I am still amazed that Michelle was there, it meant alot to us, and of course baby Maeleigh was so precious.

Thanks to my family for everything, there would have been no wedding without them of course. And I had the best bridesmaids, I thank them for caring about all the small details that I just did not care about, they got all of those done, thank you, thank you. To Gayle of course, she did so so much for us, including what I like to call the treasure chest... And thanks to everyone who came and shared this day, everyone who send cards and gifts.

Some of the best memories of the day for me included seeing Joe cry during the ceremony, the speeches that our friends/family made (alissa, you made joe cry!), seeing Tristin and Mason dance like maniacs (it was so precious and hilarious) as was seeing Mark dance with Alissa's little baby Anna at the end of the night. These are just a few things, I am overwhelmed when I think of that day, for me, it was just the best day I have ever had.


It was probably 100 degrees, thanks to Mark for keeping it short!






Hmmm.... what movie does this picture make us think of: (??)
Mason and Tristin aparently took the same line dance class:
The Luckiest:



We have the best friends:

Life...

Life is changing pretty quick for me. I love it, I love how everything is going on now. I do. But it is different. It has been a long time again, most of you have prob stopped even looking at this blog but I will tell how everything is going.

I am in AZ, less than a week away from being married. You might think I was scared, but I am not. Everyone always asks, "how do you know?" You always hear the answer, "you just know." That answer is true to a certain point. I used to think that there were a number of people that could be right for me, but only people who haven't found the one they want think that. Well, I have found her, I found her a long time ago. Took longer than you would think to get everything worked out but that is life. It is what it is...to quote a real good friend of mine.

So I have spent the last...almost two weeks with my fiance and her child, Tristin. Tristin is a very special girl. She is very smart and she is beautiful. I have to say it has been a pleasure getting to know her. She is still warming up but Tara went on a short trip to San Diego and she was an Angel, she didn't cry one time. Of course she missed her mom and her dad, but she was very good.

I have loved seeing Tara with Tristin. It is beautiful to see a mother with her daughter. To see love like that is to see love in a new light.

Tara and I have been trying to finish all of the little things we haven't gotten done yet, we both procrastinate like the best. The most important thing we have done though is just be together and be with Tristin. I am so lucky to know both of them. To hear Tristin say, "tell me about red cyclops" or "let's pretend..." I love it and am better for being a small part of it.

I really feel like the luckiest. I do.

I also need to mention a few other people who have touched my heart in a way I never imagined. Jenn, Karen, Mark and Lori...thank you so much for all you have shared with me. Don't think for one second I don't read everything you write without a tear falling from my eye. And of course those little boys that I wish I could've been more a part of their lives. I love them so much, I would write more about them but my heart can't take it. I hope they can look back one day and read this:

"I love all of you, you are all special."

So this is my life now, I am going to be married and I have a little girl already. I am the luckiest. I thank God for all is has given me and show me. Sometimes I wonder why and sometimes I think just because I am aware of it is why I see it.

Jenn and Karen...

Well, it has been a long time since I have written and the only thing that is even worthy writing about today(ok, I guess there are two things) is the fact that two of my very best friends in the world, though we have only known each other a short time are finally getting to fulfill their dream today.

I could not be happier for either of you, I know that the love and compassion you have for children will be a huge blessing for the children you are going to take today. I am so glad that you both get to do this, my only regret is that I won't be there to witness it, but you know I will be there in the afternoon to see the children that you will touch.

I write this with tears streaming down my face. Karen and Jenn, you are both an inspiration to me. I admire you for all that you have been through and sacrificed to be here and I thank God that you get to do what you are doing today and that you have stayed through all of the crap. In a few hours you will be taking in children that you loved before you ever met. I love you guys and I believe in both of you with all of my heart.

Ok, I am going to stop writing about that now, people are starting to wake up and come out and I have to get these tears out of my eyes. Know that I love you guys and I believe fully in the both of you.

And the other thing, 44 days until I marry the most beautiful girl in the world. Thinking about that day also puts tears in my eyes. Like I have told you a million times, nothing could make me happier. I couldn't imagine loving anyone more. You are the best Tara.

Lot's to say...

Hmmm...again I have no idea where to begin. Many of you may be expecting me to talk about the work here in Honduras and how things have been going with the groups...but...I have something more exciting to tell all of you, most of you should know by now though.

Tara, a girl I have known for over 7 years now came down here to Honduras to visit me for the first time. We had an amazing time, I couldn't have asked for anyting more. I took her to Tela Beach and asked her to marry me. It wasn't the traditional way, but we have never been traditional type people. If you ask me, it happened perfectly.

She said yes and nothing has ever made me this happy.



Oh yeah, and we are getting married August 12th.

Everyone keeps telling me, "I can believe it, I just can't believe it is happening this quickly." What these people don't understand is that we have known each other for over 7 years and we know each other. We really know each other. Everytime we ever had the chance to see each other everything came right back, it was like we had never been apart. We know the good and the bad.

So, just so all of you know, I have always loved her. I was stupid for a long time but now I am going to do whatever I can to make it right with her.

I can't express with words how happy I am, if you could see my face or talk to me you would have a little better idea, but still I don't think you could fully understand.

I thank God for her. I thank God that he has kept us both in reach of each other. I thank God that He opened my eyes.

I could not be happier and Tara would say the same. We are meant to be.

I wanted everyone to know all of this.

The calm before the storm...

Well, it has been a relaxing past few days...but soon the storm will be here. Terry Reeve's brings a group Monday and then things will be crazy.

I had a great time at home, it was short but really good. I got to spend some time with my family and my beautiful nephew, Mason. Call me bias, but he is one of the cutest kids in the world. It is true. I will post a picture to prove it.






Tell me it's not true...













I also got to see someone I haven't seen in what seemed forever. Tara came to visit for about 5 days that felt like about 1. I can't tell you how good it was to see her again. I have told her this, but I'll tell you too, she has taught me more about God's love than I could explain. I hope that doesn't sound cliche, but it's true. We have been through a lot together. Here is a pic of my little Brother Casey, Tara, and me.







It was really good to see my older brother and his wife too, who are expecting another baby in August. I am going to be an Uncle again, but this time to a neice. I cannot wait to see what a girl Merillat will look like. hahaaa. I didn't get to see all of my friends from home but I saw a few of them and am trying to get one of my bestfriends, Rob, to take a trip down here. Maybe if he reads this it will guilt him into coming. I hope so.

Ok, now to get a little deep on you. For those who know me, you know I have to throw something like this in here. I have said this before, but I will say it again, I never liked being called a "missionary." I have never been big on titles, ecspecially "religous" ones that put up boundries instead of taking them away. I am no one special, I know that, and those who know me well know that too. I don't say that to sound humble, I say that because it is true. Being called a "Missionary" has two different meanings (really I believe in the third one) to most people.

1. In religous circles, "Missionaries" are the "super-religous." They are up there, close to preachers and elders, but they are not just ordinary "Christians." This title, I do not want, this title I refuse to catagorize myself with.

2. Where I come from in AZ, a "Missionary" is some kind of weird, radical, religous person to most. When I first mentioned to someone I went on "mission trip," their response was, "So you are Mormon?" I don't fit this definition either.

But I have encountered a third definition that is defined by someone who is trying to follow God, and therefore applies to a lot more people than those that live in a different country than which they were born. A definition that probably applies to you who is reading this right now. A definition that is defined by asking yourself a few questions and trying to live out the answers:

3. "What am I-and what are we-suppose to be doing in this world, these days, to fit in with God's ongoing and creative mission?" (Mclaren, "Adventures in Missing the Point.")

Are we who are "Christians" simply "Christians" because our parents are or because of where we were born?

We who didn't grow up in a "Church," but feel God's presence calling us to make a difference in this World for the better, do we get this title?

Are we who have encountered Jesus and are trying to follow Him in our very own culture and country in which we were born, do we get this title?

If so, then I am proud to be called a "Missionary," if not, you can save the title for someone else. I am just someone who is trying to follow "the Call" and make this world a better place. And I am definitely someone who does not have a lot figured out, the more I learn the less I know, that phrase has proved true to me ever since I heard it. I am also a person who fails all the time, for those that really know me, know this is true also.

Just something to think about. So if you must call me a "Missionary," please use it within the 3rd context and I hope you will join me there as I have joined a few of my Honduran friends there, Fabiola, Gina, and of course Timoteo.

I said this was the calm before the storm, but did I mention that I love storms?

J

Home again...

Well, I am now home for a short period of time. A little bit of rest before the summer begins.

I want to start off by thanking the Belpre Team for their hearts. They were a huge encouragement to everyone they came in contact with (including me) and always kept things exciting and fun. I love all of you guys. I would start throwing out names but I would have to write them all. There isn't much in this world that is more beautiful to see people give up so much to go to a country far away and give with all their hearts. I can't imagine the countless hours, dollars, and prayers that went into this trip.

I love to see people touched. I love to see people who have seen Jesus in a new way. I love to see people who have changed, are in the midst of changing, or have begun a change. I can't say that the trip was stress free, but I can say that every minute of it was a success, and it was a success because of the hearts, not for the number of houses they built, bags of food given out, or even the playground work that was done. There is no greater commitment then to follow Jesus with all of your heart and I highly respect everyone who desires to do that. Whether you spend two weeks in another country, live there, or decide to move there.

I also want to tell you a quick story about this splinter that I got because I got it...naaahh.....I will save that story for another time. Give me a holla if you got that one. Hahahaa.

"You know what I mean?"

Love you all.

Long time...

I know it has been a long time. I know. I actually have a good excuse now though, we have a group here, the Belpre group. We are having a great time and all of the people on the trip are really cool with big hearts and they are really an inspiration to me. So far we have built three houses, passed out 200 bags of food, washed feet, gave away clothes and shoes, started the construction of a couple of playgrounds for children's homes and have visited three children's homes. It has been a good 5 days so far.

To be honest with all of you though I have been having a hard time latley. Living in Honduras can be frustrating at times...but my problems have not been with the Honduran people, my frustrations have mostly come from Americans that are more or less suppose to be somewhat of a support for me. I have witnessed people being manipulative, prideful, deceitful, and not straight up forward with me...and it has done two things.

1. Hurt my feelings.

2. But more importantly it has made me reflect on my own actions. I know that I have not always been straight forward with some people. I am not a big manipulater but I have had some bad feelings against others due to my pride.

I have been thinking a lot about how I deal with situations and have decided that I am going to do my best (or at least try to) to handle and deal with problems as I see them. That I will go straight to the source of the problem and not get caught up in talking about people behind their backs. That I will try to help others instead of bring them down.

I know that I am nothing and that whatever good I do, the credit isn't due to me.

On the other hand, after this trip I get to go home for about 12 days and see some of my favorite people. My nephew, my little brother, my older brother, my parents, some old friends and also someone who I haven't seen in a while. I am excited.

much love

j

I've been dry latley too...

I have been a litle dry latley too, so I thought I would look back to when I wasn't.

"Thankful For…

Think about the hard work
The kids
The way these people live
And be thankful for

Hot water and showers
More than one bed for you and your six kids
A roof that doesn’t leak
A roof
A home
A place to be alone
Access to a phone
And the knowledge of how to use it
Food with a taste
Food that is clean
Wisdom to understand
It’s not as bad as it may seem
Food to eat
Food to share
Being able to take care
Of those in need
A little soap to clean
That wound that bleeds
Water to drink
Without the worry of getting sick
Water to drink
The mind to think
That you change yourself and your life
Because you have what it takes
For the $5 an hour you make
For a camera
And the pictures you take
The memories you make
That lead you to change
The shirt on your back
The socks on your feet
And the shoes
That make that outfit complete
And the fact that they’re clean
To many is beyond belief
They don’t even understand
What that word means
For the worms and the lice
That you never had
For that person who was there
When you were feeling sad

For paved roads
Or at least dirt roads
Where cars are able to go
For lights when it is dark
To be able to see
That step that is there
Or that whole in the road
For having more freedom to choose
On which path you’ll go
For the school that you hate
And the work you despise
For the doctor you go to
When your temperature gets too high
For the money you pay
For the medicine you receive
For someone to believe in you
When you are in need
For that space that is filled
By the God that you know

For that God holds you tight
And never lets you go
For the love that lasts
For eternity
And for those precious children
Who break your heart
And compel you to believe
So thank God
That you can now see"

"I Don't Know"

"Cannot find the words to say I am sorry
Don't know how to show you I was wrong
I wasted all that you have given to me
Now I am left with nothing and no one

And I find it's my fault
And I am the only one to blame
For the tears and the pain

I don't know what I could say
Or would it matter anyway?
Cause I don't know you could still forgive me
For all that I have put you through
Is there anything that I could do?
I would give my life to find your mercy

All my life has led to this decision
To return and ask you this one thing
If I had one chance or a million
would it ever be enough for me
To explain what I've done
And I know that I was wrong
Would you hold me again?

I don't know what I could say
Or would it matter anyway?
Cause I don't know how you could still forgive me
For all that I have put you through
Is there anything that I could do?
I would give my life to find your mercy"

It's funny how you can hear something a thousand times and then all of a sudden it just hits you. I don't know how many times I have heard this Third Day song, but I finally really listened to it.

Can you sympathize with the words of this song?

This song is a great representation of me and how I feel. I know that everything I have done that was wrong or is wrong is my fault, and at times it is hard for me to understand how and why God could/would forgive me. Sometimes I try to use words to tell God I am sorry, but my words are insignifigant in the presence of God, it doesn't matter what I try to say in His presence, it matters what my heart says, God knows my words don't do my heart justice.

I have trampled all over God so many times in my life and I continue to do so, but my heart says , "I would give my life to find your mercy."

I cannot even begin to grasp the depth of His love for Me (and all of us). I know me and I know how much I screw up. I confess the more I learn the less I know. How Great is Our God who forgives us...and when we break His heart by doing what we want to do He is there with His arms wide open, waiting for us to fall back into His arms.

I hope when you read this you read it with in mind the tears in my eyes that I have now as I write it. I am not good with words...I know, and I don't want to sound trendy. I believe Jesus' love for us is so great that we can't even begin to understand it. All we can do is sit back, broken and weak, humbly accepting what He offers us. Total redemption and forgiveness. I pray that we always let this run our lives. I pray that we never become numb to to this Beautiful Mystery. I pray that we realize we are nothing, and that we lie broken in front of Him. Though I don't understand how he could forgive me, He does. He is the only one who will never fail us.

I love you God, and I would give my life to find your mercy.