So I have been married over two months now. I am back in the States and everything is going great. In fact, I have everything figured out. Sometimes I am surprised how well I have everything down already. I mean, I am only 26 and I already know how to be happy all the time and I definitely have control over everything in my life. I never get upset or sad. I don’t think I have ever been depressed and I have never lost my temper. I think that I might have the perfect family, after all, I am perfect and I am always doing well, just ask and I’ll tell you, “yea, everything is good.” My house is always clean and I am never bored. I spend time everyday reading the bible and praying, I am a pretty spiritual person, I mean I was a missionary for a couple of years. I am always full of energy and I always put others in front of myself. I always know how to deal with any situation that comes about and I don’t have any regrets and I definitely don’t feel ashamed for anything that I have done or not done in the past.
Wow, sometimes I amaze myself.
If only that were true…hahaa, if that were true then I would be worried.
Everything I just wrote…take the opposite and you will find me somewhere in between. Don’t get me wrong, I love my life and I wouldn’t trade it for anything. I love my wife and our daughter more than anything…but things are far from perfect and for me to lead you to believe that would just make you want to crawl deeper into whatever hole you are trying to dig yourself out of, and it would be a lie.
And what does everything being perfect have to do with me loving my family with all my heart? What does having problems have to do with the kind of person I am? Having problems and imperfections might just be what can make things great.
If you pretend everything is all good in your life then I just might want to dig myself a little deeper into the whole that I am in too…in fact, so will all of the people around you who love you. So let’s try to cut the crap as much as we can. I am not saying we should all be brutally honest, God knows I am not up for that even though that is probably what he wants, but maybe we can do just a little bit.
“But Joe, what about that time you spent in Honduras, weren’t you always happy and always fulfilled?”
Hahahaaaa. Of course not. Did I love working there and helping people? With all my heart. Was I still lonely at times? Did I sometimes feel like I didn’t belong? Did I get angry there? Was I ever bored there? Was I ever sad there? Of course. Was my life perfect there? Hahaaaa, of course not and I am sorry if I ever portrayed that to anyone. Again, I loved working there and I could easily live my life in a place like that but by no means was it ‘perfect.’
Last weekend Tara and I were in the car alone and we got into a fight…we aren’t even really sure why. It became heated and I punched the windshield. It cracked. I am not a violent person but sometimes I get frustrated. First thing I thought after I did that was, “wow, I am stupid” followed closely by, “what am I going to tell everyone.” Then I started thinking of something that I heard not to long ago. The basic point was people who expect perfection are the people who try to cover up things the most. In fact since I heard that I couldn't really get it out of my mind.
Then I wondered…am I the only one who has ever gotten frustrated enough and punched something? I mean, I might be led to believe I am but you have probably done something similar. Maybe your thing is making someone else feel like crap, maybe it is getting drunk until you don’t care any more…whatever it is there is something.
My advice…I’ll only give advice that I know to be true…if you get frustrated to the point of wanting to hit something…hit something that isn’t as expensive to fix as a windshield. Luckily I didn’t hurt my hand at all, but I would take that into account too. I have never hit a person but I would say that is probably the worst thing you could do.
I realized that if I just told everyone a rock hit the windshield then I would be trying to cover up things to make myself look perfect. I mean, what would others think? I am so embarrassed about this that I really wanted to say that, luckily Tara kept me from that. She may not know it, but she did. She has already heard me say a few times, “YOU TOLD THEM I HIT THE WINDSHIELD???” And to that she just said, “well, you did, what did you want me to say?” Hahaaa. Got to love it.
So here I am. Far from perfect, but trying. Loving my family the best that I can. At times, bored, confused, no sense of direction. Other times, so happy all I can do is smile, so glad to have Tara and this little girl in my life that I want to cry (and sometimes do). Messy house. Pet frogs. Dead frogs. Slugs, dried slugs. Clean clothes thrown on the floor. Full trash can. Clean floor. Toys on the floor. No myspace, but Facebook. No more Six Feet Under. Books sitting around that I haven’t read, movies all around that I have watched. Empty picture frames. Pictures on the fridge. Regular milk but out of Choco maco (chocolate milk). Honey mustard but the wrong kind, croissants but the wrong kind. Thank you cards not sent out. Birthday cards sent late all of the time. No kitchen table, prob wouldn’t use it anyways. Flies in the kitchen. Carved pumpkins outside. Peeper frog spoon and fork in with the other spoons and forks. Little girl’s frog raincoat hanging on a beautiful hook. Green witch hair on the ground. Nursing books everywhere. A loving wife, a beautiful daughter. So I guess this is not a house, it’s a home…and a pretty good one I would say.
Oh yeah...and a broken windshield.
