Whatever people say I am, that's what I'm not

The Perfect Family…

2006-10-21T15:10:00.000-06:00

So I have been married over two months now. I am back in the States and everything is going great. In fact, I have everything figured out. Sometimes I am surprised how well I have everything down already. I mean, I am only 26 and I already know how to be happy all the time and I definitely have control over everything in my life. I never get upset or sad. I don’t think I have ever been depressed and I have never lost my temper. I think that I might have the perfect family, after all, I am perfect and I am always doing well, just ask and I’ll tell you, “yea, everything is good.” My house is always clean and I am never bored. I spend time everyday reading the bible and praying, I am a pretty spiritual person, I mean I was a missionary for a couple of years. I am always full of energy and I always put others in front of myself. I always know how to deal with any situation that comes about and I don’t have any regrets and I definitely don’t feel ashamed for anything that I have done or not done in the past.

Wow, sometimes I amaze myself.

If only that were true…hahaa, if that were true then I would be worried.

Everything I just wrote…take the opposite and you will find me somewhere in between. Don’t get me wrong, I love my life and I wouldn’t trade it for anything. I love my wife and our daughter more than anything…but things are far from perfect and for me to lead you to believe that would just make you want to crawl deeper into whatever hole you are trying to dig yourself out of, and it would be a lie.

And what does everything being perfect have to do with me loving my family with all my heart? What does having problems have to do with the kind of person I am? Having problems and imperfections might just be what can make things great.

If you pretend everything is all good in your life then I just might want to dig myself a little deeper into the whole that I am in too…in fact, so will all of the people around you who love you. So let’s try to cut the crap as much as we can. I am not saying we should all be brutally honest, God knows I am not up for that even though that is probably what he wants, but maybe we can do just a little bit.

“But Joe, what about that time you spent in Honduras, weren’t you always happy and always fulfilled?”

Hahahaaaa. Of course not. Did I love working there and helping people? With all my heart. Was I still lonely at times? Did I sometimes feel like I didn’t belong? Did I get angry there? Was I ever bored there? Was I ever sad there? Of course. Was my life perfect there? Hahaaaa, of course not and I am sorry if I ever portrayed that to anyone. Again, I loved working there and I could easily live my life in a place like that but by no means was it ‘perfect.’

Last weekend Tara and I were in the car alone and we got into a fight…we aren’t even really sure why. It became heated and I punched the windshield. It cracked. I am not a violent person but sometimes I get frustrated. First thing I thought after I did that was, “wow, I am stupid” followed closely by, “what am I going to tell everyone.” Then I started thinking of something that I heard not to long ago. The basic point was people who expect perfection are the people who try to cover up things the most. In fact since I heard that I couldn't really get it out of my mind.

Then I wondered…am I the only one who has ever gotten frustrated enough and punched something? I mean, I might be led to believe I am but you have probably done something similar. Maybe your thing is making someone else feel like crap, maybe it is getting drunk until you don’t care any more…whatever it is there is something.

My advice…I’ll only give advice that I know to be true…if you get frustrated to the point of wanting to hit something…hit something that isn’t as expensive to fix as a windshield. Luckily I didn’t hurt my hand at all, but I would take that into account too. I have never hit a person but I would say that is probably the worst thing you could do.

I realized that if I just told everyone a rock hit the windshield then I would be trying to cover up things to make myself look perfect. I mean, what would others think? I am so embarrassed about this that I really wanted to say that, luckily Tara kept me from that. She may not know it, but she did. She has already heard me say a few times, “YOU TOLD THEM I HIT THE WINDSHIELD???” And to that she just said, “well, you did, what did you want me to say?” Hahaaa. Got to love it.

So here I am. Far from perfect, but trying. Loving my family the best that I can. At times, bored, confused, no sense of direction. Other times, so happy all I can do is smile, so glad to have Tara and this little girl in my life that I want to cry (and sometimes do). Messy house. Pet frogs. Dead frogs. Slugs, dried slugs. Clean clothes thrown on the floor. Full trash can. Clean floor. Toys on the floor. No myspace, but Facebook. No more Six Feet Under. Books sitting around that I haven’t read, movies all around that I have watched. Empty picture frames. Pictures on the fridge. Regular milk but out of Choco maco (chocolate milk). Honey mustard but the wrong kind, croissants but the wrong kind. Thank you cards not sent out. Birthday cards sent late all of the time. No kitchen table, prob wouldn’t use it anyways. Flies in the kitchen. Carved pumpkins outside. Peeper frog spoon and fork in with the other spoons and forks. Little girl’s frog raincoat hanging on a beautiful hook. Green witch hair on the ground. Nursing books everywhere. A loving wife, a beautiful daughter. So I guess this is not a house, it’s a home…and a pretty good one I would say.

Oh yeah...and a broken windshield.

2006-10-07T21:09:00.000-06:00

It's a long one...

2006-09-08T20:35:00.000-06:00

Sorry this is so long, I hate long ones...

So here I am again, back in Searcy, Arkansas. Never thought I would see this place again, but it is much different than it was when I was here…4 years ago, I love being here. Life has been great. Tara and I are doing wonderful adjusting to life here…together…and with Tristin. Tristin is being an Angel. I just put her down for a nap and she didn’t fuss or cry, so I told her a couple stories about Halloween (her favorite holiday) and she went right to sleep. She is doing so good, we spent the afternoon looking at pictures of Honduras as I told her the stories that go with the pictures. We also went out looking for snakes, turtles, and other reptiles (her favorite kind of animals) and watched Dumbo. I still have not found a job but I believe this to be a good thing, it is giving me a lot of time with Tristin and I am loving it and I think we need it.

Tara wrote about the wedding and I guess I just want to say a couple of things about it too. It was perfect. It was beautiful. Tara was the most beautiful bride I have ever seen, I am sure you agree seeing the pictures. There is not a day that I have been happier in. She really was the missing piece of my heart. Thanks to all of you who helped us…both of our parents and families, our friends, our minister (our good friend who performed the ceremony is a better way to put it, I believe) who came from Honduras and who made the wedding ceremony personal and real (and short, it was hot), thank you. I could go on and on about all of you who did so much to help us. Thank you for making that day perfect, and I never use the word “perfect” so you should know I really mean it.

So here I am living life in a new culture…weird to think that I am living here in the states and I am having to adjust back to what most of you know as “normal.” I never liked normal. I never liked the preconceived ideas of how things “should be,” or how people “should act.” Or even about how church “should be done.” Not that there is anything necessarily wrong with how things generally are, because there is not, but that does not necessarily mean that I have to agree with everything, neither do you.

5 days later…

Well, here I am a few days later, what I wrote earlier I just couldn’t finish for some reason. I think I know why now though. Two things have happened since then that I need to mention, but there are three that I will mention.

1. Gayle. I could go on and on about her. You know there are some people in your life who you really feel you can trust and you really feel like they believe in you and want the best for you. She is one of those people for me. She has loved me and believe in me unconditionally since we met and I am not sure why. Her dream of a clinic that is now done (!!!) is beautiful and I am so grateful that I had a small part in it. Her heart to want to help gives me strength. She has done so much for me I can’t even begin to mention all of it. Thank you.

2. Karen, Jenn, Yovani, Marvin, Mario, Francisco, and Antonio. Thank you Karen and Jenn for calling me last Sunday night and letting me talk to those precious young boys. You have no idea how glad I was to hear from all of you. I miss you guys and like I have told you, thank you for keeping me alive to those boys. I wish I could’ve brought them with me but there aren't any other people I would rather them be with, I am not sure if there is anyone who could love them more.

These two things have made me remember life that is slower. You know Mark Connell wrote about adjusting to life in the states and I loved so much the point that he made. Paul was “content” no matter what situation he was in. This is a little different for me because I miss Honduras so much but what I have now I love so much and know that this is where I am suppose to be, it is where I want to be, so I do not feel like I am “worthless” here, or that what I am doing now isn’t “as good” or “as meaningful.” If I didn’t have the single most important thing in my life (my wife) to fill this space, then I would be pretty bad off.

I’ve tried it before, believe me, I know.

It is so funny to look back and think that you were in a certain situation for a certain reason and then days, months, or years later you realize that the “plan” was a lot bigger and deeper than you thought. I am amazed over and over again at the lessons that God teaches me, maybe more amazed that through all of this I realize he loves me enough to teach me these things.

So I said all of that to say this. I have learned, on a very, very small level, to live content, to accept the situation I am in, and to let go of things when it is time and to not accept our culture’s lies, at least not try to…or at least be able to recognize them…some of the time. Not that any of this is easy or that I am good at it but that I see the pattern and have experienced it a little.

And again, I love where I am. There is no where else I would rather be, but no matter where I go or where I stay I know that I can be “content” because it will always be where I am suppose to be. Yes, sometimes I miss Honduras and my boys and sometimes I want to work to get the “best things” here in the US, but then I remember when life was slower. I remember what I have been taught (with lots of reminders). Make sense?

I said there were 3, only a little more, I promise.

3. Tara and Tristin. Tara is wonderful and beautiful and I love her more everyday. Same goes for Tristin. I love my time with both of them and they bring me so much joy. I can’t think of anything that I would rather invest my time, life, and heart in then these two precious girls. I can’t imagine life without them. I love this new chapter of my life that I am getting to co-create. Believe it or not, there is no where else I would rather be than back here in Searcy, Arkansas.

didn't we have the time of our lives?

2006-08-23T14:06:00.000-06:00

Well, our wedding day has come and gone, and we are back in Searcy after a fantastic week in Costa Rica followed by a 22 hour drive back from AZ to AR straight, without stopping by the way, in order to be back on Monday when my nursing classes started. Well, the wedding was just perfect perfect; wonderful and there is no way I can do it justice but I'll try to share a few of the highlights with you all.

I speak for Joe and myself when I say I can't begin to thank everyone who helped us: Marty, Selena and Casey for letting us stay in and destroy their home for 2 weeks before the wedding; millions of thanks to Mark who not only traveled from Honduras to be at the wedding but for performing the ceremony for which he wrote the perfect words for our vows. I made the mistake of telling him the story about how when my best friend Alissa got married 2 years earlier, their minister actually surprised them with the question "what does love mean to you?" Of course they were not prepared for any question like that during their ceremony and it made them nervous, and I was telling Mark this to make sure he did not have anything like that up his sleve. Well, I'm pretty sure he didn't until I told him that. I could see it on his face the second I was done telling the story. Well, of course, no sooner had the ceremony started when he asked me the exact same question: "what does love me to you, Tara?" I turned to look at Alissa who later told me she was shocked and thinking: "What are the chances of this happening?!" It was hilarious and just the thing all the crying people needed to make them laugh.

Anyway, Mark, although he might not realize it, was the star of the show, everyone loved him, in fact, one of Joe's high school friends put in a request for him to do his wedding. We loved him too and can't thank him enough.

Thanks to Bob and Michelle for being at the wedding seeing as how they had a new baby girl on the Wednesday before our wedding on Saturday. I am still amazed that Michelle was there, it meant alot to us, and of course baby Maeleigh was so precious.

Thanks to my family for everything, there would have been no wedding without them of course. And I had the best bridesmaids, I thank them for caring about all the small details that I just did not care about, they got all of those done, thank you, thank you. To Gayle of course, she did so so much for us, including what I like to call the treasure chest... And thanks to everyone who came and shared this day, everyone who send cards and gifts.

Some of the best memories of the day for me included seeing Joe cry during the ceremony, the speeches that our friends/family made (alissa, you made joe cry!), seeing Tristin and Mason dance like maniacs (it was so precious and hilarious) as was seeing Mark dance with Alissa's little baby Anna at the end of the night. These are just a few things, I am overwhelmed when I think of that day, for me, it was just the best day I have ever had.

It was probably 100 degrees, thanks to Mark for keeping it short!

Hmmm.... what movie does this picture make us think of: (??)
Mason and Tristin aparently took the same line dance class:
The Luckiest:

We have the best friends:

Life...

2006-08-06T23:02:00.000-06:00

Life is changing pretty quick for me. I love it, I love how everything is going on now. I do. But it is different. It has been a long time again, most of you have prob stopped even looking at this blog but I will tell how everything is going.

I am in AZ, less than a week away from being married. You might think I was scared, but I am not. Everyone always asks, "how do you know?" You always hear the answer, "you just know." That answer is true to a certain point. I used to think that there were a number of people that could be right for me, but only people who haven't found the one they want think that. Well, I have found her, I found her a long time ago. Took longer than you would think to get everything worked out but that is life. It is what it is...to quote a real good friend of mine.

So I have spent the last...almost two weeks with my fiance and her child, Tristin. Tristin is a very special girl. She is very smart and she is beautiful. I have to say it has been a pleasure getting to know her. She is still warming up but Tara went on a short trip to San Diego and she was an Angel, she didn't cry one time. Of course she missed her mom and her dad, but she was very good.

I have loved seeing Tara with Tristin. It is beautiful to see a mother with her daughter. To see love like that is to see love in a new light.

Tara and I have been trying to finish all of the little things we haven't gotten done yet, we both procrastinate like the best. The most important thing we have done though is just be together and be with Tristin. I am so lucky to know both of them. To hear Tristin say, "tell me about red cyclops" or "let's pretend..." I love it and am better for being a small part of it.

I really feel like the luckiest. I do.

I also need to mention a few other people who have touched my heart in a way I never imagined. Jenn, Karen, Mark and Lori...thank you so much for all you have shared with me. Don't think for one second I don't read everything you write without a tear falling from my eye. And of course those little boys that I wish I could've been more a part of their lives. I love them so much, I would write more about them but my heart can't take it. I hope they can look back one day and read this:

"I love all of you, you are all special."

So this is my life now, I am going to be married and I have a little girl already. I am the luckiest. I thank God for all is has given me and show me. Sometimes I wonder why and sometimes I think just because I am aware of it is why I see it.

Jenn and Karen...

2006-06-30T06:37:00.000-05:00

Well, it has been a long time since I have written and the only thing that is even worthy writing about today(ok, I guess there are two things) is the fact that two of my very best friends in the world, though we have only known each other a short time are finally getting to fulfill their dream today.

I could not be happier for either of you, I know that the love and compassion you have for children will be a huge blessing for the children you are going to take today. I am so glad that you both get to do this, my only regret is that I won't be there to witness it, but you know I will be there in the afternoon to see the children that you will touch.

I write this with tears streaming down my face. Karen and Jenn, you are both an inspiration to me. I admire you for all that you have been through and sacrificed to be here and I thank God that you get to do what you are doing today and that you have stayed through all of the crap. In a few hours you will be taking in children that you loved before you ever met. I love you guys and I believe in both of you with all of my heart.

Ok, I am going to stop writing about that now, people are starting to wake up and come out and I have to get these tears out of my eyes. Know that I love you guys and I believe fully in the both of you.

And the other thing, 44 days until I marry the most beautiful girl in the world. Thinking about that day also puts tears in my eyes. Like I have told you a million times, nothing could make me happier. I couldn't imagine loving anyone more. You are the best Tara.

Lot's to say...

2006-06-08T06:40:00.000-05:00

Hmmm...again I have no idea where to begin. Many of you may be expecting me to talk about the work here in Honduras and how things have been going with the groups...but...I have something more exciting to tell all of you, most of you should know by now though.

Tara, a girl I have known for over 7 years now came down here to Honduras to visit me for the first time. We had an amazing time, I couldn't have asked for anyting more. I took her to Tela Beach and asked her to marry me. It wasn't the traditional way, but we have never been traditional type people. If you ask me, it happened perfectly.

She said yes and nothing has ever made me this happy.

Oh yeah, and we are getting married August 12th.

Everyone keeps telling me, "I can believe it, I just can't believe it is happening this quickly." What these people don't understand is that we have known each other for over 7 years and we know each other. We really know each other. Everytime we ever had the chance to see each other everything came right back, it was like we had never been apart. We know the good and the bad.

So, just so all of you know, I have always loved her. I was stupid for a long time but now I am going to do whatever I can to make it right with her.

I can't express with words how happy I am, if you could see my face or talk to me you would have a little better idea, but still I don't think you could fully understand.

I thank God for her. I thank God that he has kept us both in reach of each other. I thank God that He opened my eyes.

I could not be happier and Tara would say the same. We are meant to be.

I wanted everyone to know all of this.

The calm before the storm...

2006-05-13T17:31:00.000-05:00

Well, it has been a relaxing past few days...but soon the storm will be here. Terry Reeve's brings a group Monday and then things will be crazy.

I had a great time at home, it was short but really good. I got to spend some time with my family and my beautiful nephew, Mason. Call me bias, but he is one of the cutest kids in the world. It is true. I will post a picture to prove it.

Tell me it's not true...

I also got to see someone I haven't seen in what seemed forever. Tara came to visit for about 5 days that felt like about 1. I can't tell you how good it was to see her again. I have told her this, but I'll tell you too, she has taught me more about God's love than I could explain. I hope that doesn't sound cliche, but it's true. We have been through a lot together. Here is a pic of my little Brother Casey, Tara, and me.

It was really good to see my older brother and his wife too, who are expecting another baby in August. I am going to be an Uncle again, but this time to a neice. I cannot wait to see what a girl Merillat will look like. hahaaa. I didn't get to see all of my friends from home but I saw a few of them and am trying to get one of my bestfriends, Rob, to take a trip down here. Maybe if he reads this it will guilt him into coming. I hope so.

Ok, now to get a little deep on you. For those who know me, you know I have to throw something like this in here. I have said this before, but I will say it again, I never liked being called a "missionary." I have never been big on titles, ecspecially "religous" ones that put up boundries instead of taking them away. I am no one special, I know that, and those who know me well know that too. I don't say that to sound humble, I say that because it is true. Being called a "Missionary" has two different meanings (really I believe in the third one) to most people.

1. In religous circles, "Missionaries" are the "super-religous." They are up there, close to preachers and elders, but they are not just ordinary "Christians." This title, I do not want, this title I refuse to catagorize myself with.

2. Where I come from in AZ, a "Missionary" is some kind of weird, radical, religous person to most. When I first mentioned to someone I went on "mission trip," their response was, "So you are Mormon?" I don't fit this definition either.

But I have encountered a third definition that is defined by someone who is trying to follow God, and therefore applies to a lot more people than those that live in a different country than which they were born. A definition that probably applies to you who is reading this right now. A definition that is defined by asking yourself a few questions and trying to live out the answers:

3. "What am I-and what are we-suppose to be doing in this world, these days, to fit in with God's ongoing and creative mission?" (Mclaren, "Adventures in Missing the Point.")

Are we who are "Christians" simply "Christians" because our parents are or because of where we were born?

We who didn't grow up in a "Church," but feel God's presence calling us to make a difference in this World for the better, do we get this title?

Are we who have encountered Jesus and are trying to follow Him in our very own culture and country in which we were born, do we get this title?

If so, then I am proud to be called a "Missionary," if not, you can save the title for someone else. I am just someone who is trying to follow "the Call" and make this world a better place. And I am definitely someone who does not have a lot figured out, the more I learn the less I know, that phrase has proved true to me ever since I heard it. I am also a person who fails all the time, for those that really know me, know this is true also.

Just something to think about. So if you must call me a "Missionary," please use it within the 3rd context and I hope you will join me there as I have joined a few of my Honduran friends there, Fabiola, Gina, and of course Timoteo.

I said this was the calm before the storm, but did I mention that I love storms?

J

Home again...

2006-04-25T00:31:00.000-06:00

Well, I am now home for a short period of time. A little bit of rest before the summer begins.

I want to start off by thanking the Belpre Team for their hearts. They were a huge encouragement to everyone they came in contact with (including me) and always kept things exciting and fun. I love all of you guys. I would start throwing out names but I would have to write them all. There isn't much in this world that is more beautiful to see people give up so much to go to a country far away and give with all their hearts. I can't imagine the countless hours, dollars, and prayers that went into this trip.

I love to see people touched. I love to see people who have seen Jesus in a new way. I love to see people who have changed, are in the midst of changing, or have begun a change. I can't say that the trip was stress free, but I can say that every minute of it was a success, and it was a success because of the hearts, not for the number of houses they built, bags of food given out, or even the playground work that was done. There is no greater commitment then to follow Jesus with all of your heart and I highly respect everyone who desires to do that. Whether you spend two weeks in another country, live there, or decide to move there.

I also want to tell you a quick story about this splinter that I got because I got it...naaahh.....I will save that story for another time. Give me a holla if you got that one. Hahahaa.

"You know what I mean?"

Love you all.

Long time...

2006-04-13T06:07:00.000-06:00

I know it has been a long time. I know. I actually have a good excuse now though, we have a group here, the Belpre group. We are having a great time and all of the people on the trip are really cool with big hearts and they are really an inspiration to me. So far we have built three houses, passed out 200 bags of food, washed feet, gave away clothes and shoes, started the construction of a couple of playgrounds for children's homes and have visited three children's homes. It has been a good 5 days so far.

To be honest with all of you though I have been having a hard time latley. Living in Honduras can be frustrating at times...but my problems have not been with the Honduran people, my frustrations have mostly come from Americans that are more or less suppose to be somewhat of a support for me. I have witnessed people being manipulative, prideful, deceitful, and not straight up forward with me...and it has done two things.

1. Hurt my feelings.

2. But more importantly it has made me reflect on my own actions. I know that I have not always been straight forward with some people. I am not a big manipulater but I have had some bad feelings against others due to my pride.

I have been thinking a lot about how I deal with situations and have decided that I am going to do my best (or at least try to) to handle and deal with problems as I see them. That I will go straight to the source of the problem and not get caught up in talking about people behind their backs. That I will try to help others instead of bring them down.

I know that I am nothing and that whatever good I do, the credit isn't due to me.

On the other hand, after this trip I get to go home for about 12 days and see some of my favorite people. My nephew, my little brother, my older brother, my parents, some old friends and also someone who I haven't seen in a while. I am excited.

much love

j

I've been dry latley too...

2006-03-13T20:07:00.000-06:00

I have been a litle dry latley too, so I thought I would look back to when I wasn't.

"Thankful For…

Think about the hard work
The kids
The way these people live
And be thankful for

Hot water and showers
More than one bed for you and your six kids
A roof that doesn’t leak
A roof
A home
A place to be alone
Access to a phone
And the knowledge of how to use it
Food with a taste
Food that is clean
Wisdom to understand
It’s not as bad as it may seem
Food to eat
Food to share
Being able to take care
Of those in need
A little soap to clean
That wound that bleeds
Water to drink
Without the worry of getting sick
Water to drink
The mind to think
That you change yourself and your life
Because you have what it takes
For the $5 an hour you make
For a camera
And the pictures you take
The memories you make
That lead you to change
The shirt on your back
The socks on your feet
And the shoes
That make that outfit complete
And the fact that they’re clean
To many is beyond belief
They don’t even understand
What that word means
For the worms and the lice
That you never had
For that person who was there
When you were feeling sad

For paved roads
Or at least dirt roads
Where cars are able to go
For lights when it is dark
To be able to see
That step that is there
Or that whole in the road
For having more freedom to choose
On which path you’ll go
For the school that you hate
And the work you despise
For the doctor you go to
When your temperature gets too high
For the money you pay
For the medicine you receive
For someone to believe in you
When you are in need
For that space that is filled
By the God that you know

For that God holds you tight
And never lets you go
For the love that lasts
For eternity
And for those precious children
Who break your heart
And compel you to believe
So thank God
That you can now see"

"I Don't Know"

2006-01-29T20:04:00.000-06:00

"Cannot find the words to say I am sorry
Don't know how to show you I was wrong
I wasted all that you have given to me
Now I am left with nothing and no one

And I find it's my fault
And I am the only one to blame
For the tears and the pain

I don't know what I could say
Or would it matter anyway?
Cause I don't know you could still forgive me
For all that I have put you through
Is there anything that I could do?
I would give my life to find your mercy

All my life has led to this decision
To return and ask you this one thing
If I had one chance or a million
would it ever be enough for me
To explain what I've done
And I know that I was wrong
Would you hold me again?

I don't know what I could say
Or would it matter anyway?
Cause I don't know how you could still forgive me
For all that I have put you through
Is there anything that I could do?
I would give my life to find your mercy"

It's funny how you can hear something a thousand times and then all of a sudden it just hits you. I don't know how many times I have heard this Third Day song, but I finally really listened to it.

Can you sympathize with the words of this song?

This song is a great representation of me and how I feel. I know that everything I have done that was wrong or is wrong is my fault, and at times it is hard for me to understand how and why God could/would forgive me. Sometimes I try to use words to tell God I am sorry, but my words are insignifigant in the presence of God, it doesn't matter what I try to say in His presence, it matters what my heart says, God knows my words don't do my heart justice.

I have trampled all over God so many times in my life and I continue to do so, but my heart says , "I would give my life to find your mercy."

I cannot even begin to grasp the depth of His love for Me (and all of us). I know me and I know how much I screw up. I confess the more I learn the less I know. How Great is Our God who forgives us...and when we break His heart by doing what we want to do He is there with His arms wide open, waiting for us to fall back into His arms.

I hope when you read this you read it with in mind the tears in my eyes that I have now as I write it. I am not good with words...I know, and I don't want to sound trendy. I believe Jesus' love for us is so great that we can't even begin to understand it. All we can do is sit back, broken and weak, humbly accepting what He offers us. Total redemption and forgiveness. I pray that we always let this run our lives. I pray that we never become numb to to this Beautiful Mystery. I pray that we realize we are nothing, and that we lie broken in front of Him. Though I don't understand how he could forgive me, He does. He is the only one who will never fail us.

I love you God, and I would give my life to find your mercy.

Lots going on...

2006-01-25T20:34:00.000-06:00

Well, Mark, Lori, and Lana were all down for about 10 days. Bottom line is that we all had a great time. In all reality we had many real good conversations and are coming along to better understandings (or at least trying to) of how to do ministry here in this culture. And in all honesty, we are all broken and just doing what we can and continuing along the way.

Haahahahaaa.

So the past week or two has really been a blur. I have not been here at Tim's for much more than sleep. Two weekends ago Tim and I drove out to San Pedro Sula to ship off one of their vehicles and on the way back we found a community that was one of the poorest I have seen. It is in Comayagua and is fairly small but all of the "houses" were just "tents" made of plastic, cardboard, and grass. Depending on the land and the ownership of it we hope to be able to build some homes there this coming summer.

I also had a lot of time to spend with Tim and Mark talking about the summer and we are all so excited about all of the opportunities we will have and we are all looking forward to what is going to take place. Things are changing but Tim will still be able to take care of the things that he has done before in the time that he will be spending here.

In fact, let me take a moment to thank him and his family.

I have lived with Tim and Gena for about 2 years. They have been so good to me. Tim has mentored me and taught me so much and Gena has always made me feel like part of their family. I thank God for all they have done for me. I have learned so much from them and admire them so much. Those of you who live in New Orleans are lucky to have them there. Take advantage of it. I can honestly say that Tim, Gena, Dalton and Dylan have become part of my family and some of my best friends. That is as emotional as I am willing to get now. I could never repay all they have done for me.

To go on, Mark, Lori, and I took Jonathon to an orthopedic surgeon who took great care of him and now he is doing a lot better. The doctor was wonderful to us and took out the pins that Jonathon had in his wrists and hip. He is beginning to walk normal and has full range of motion in his hands. Thank you Lord.

We built a house this past Monday (at which I hurt my back beyond belief) in really good time for a lady who had asked for months for a house and was put off and when told to trust in God she stopped askings...and now she has a new house. It was a great day (besides the back injury). It is always amazing to see how many people from the community come out to help.

The rest of my time was spent in pain due to my back injury hanging out with Mark, Lori and Lana, just spending goood time together getting to know each other better. This week we have a container coming in, I am moving everything out of Tim's house, they are finishing the duplex that I will be living in until the groups come in the summer, I am taking Jonathan back for a check up, I have a meeting with one of the new leaders at the Los Pinos Church and I am sure a lot more that is slipping my mind right now.

The bottom line is...you have one life. In all reality you should do what you can with it. And in all honesty...we all need to try a little harder.

Much love to all
J

New Year Resolution???

2005-12-30T18:29:00.000-06:00

Hmmmm. Let me see. Been a long time since I have written. I was really busy for a while and then I was sick for almost a week…this time just happened to be over Christmas. So, yes, I did spend Christmas alone this year. It was a little weird I must admit, going through the whole day and not seeing anyone I even knew. I am back up again and starting to feel better, still not 100% but getting there.

We are just about done with the Children’s Home, missing a few small things and the container that is going to furnish it. I expect that you all have seen or read about it on Tim’s, Jenn’s, or someone else’s blog. I am really excited to have it up and running, even though we are not completely sure when that will be yet. I love children and I feel honored to be a part of it. I will be living in Santa Ana for a few months, maybe up until the summer (when the groups begin to come). I will still be involved in things here in Teguc, there are a couple different projects that we are working on and I will post about those later.

Now, I would like any of you who read this, or just happen to have read this one to tell me what your New Year’s Resolution is…or if you have one…or what you think about it. I guess the end of the year is a time to contemplate things…maybe it should be done more often then that…nonetheless it is a good reminder. Anyways, if you would, tell me what you think, do it anonymous if you want. Happy New Year.

San Miguel Boys washing my truck...

2005-12-03T06:47:00.000-06:00

Could I have been...?

2005-12-02T20:59:00.000-06:00

“Don’t you ever wonder maybe if things had been slightly different,
You could be somebody else?

Don’t you ever wonder maybe if you had taken a left turn instead of taking a right,
You could’ve been somebody different?
Don’t you ever wonder?

Could I have been?
Could I have been a parking lot attendant?
Could I have been a millionaire in Bel Air?
Could I have been your little sister?
Could I have been anyone other than me?
Could I have been anyone other than me?
Could I have been anyone?”

These words have been running through my mind constantly in the past week or two. Mark Connell wrote about what if he was rich, how would that affect his faith? I live in a country of the richest and poorest. Sometimes I think I am such a weak person because I often think if I had been born into one of these poor communities I would be a liar and a thief and if I was born into a lot of money I would be ruled by it.

Then I wonder what if I hadn’t gone to Harding? What if I hadn’t ever come to Honduras? What if I didn’t make all of the huge mistakes that I have made in my life? Who would I be? What if I went to college in Arizona and played basketball at a community college? What if my parents never moved us from New Jersey to Arizona?

There has to be something behind all of this, and I know there is, but what if I was someone different? Could I be someone different? Sometimes I feel like I am in control of my life, and I know I can control decisions I make but I can’t control the consequences of them, whether they be positive or negative. I can’t control other people’s reactions or actions to who I am.

But maybe who I am is deeper than how others view me, maybe deeper than how I view myself. Maybe it is better said that I get to discover more of who I am, and I can either be listening to the whisper (or yell) and accept it or I can let others dictate who I am going to be. Maybe someone really is whispering in my ear who I am and who I am to be and all I have to do is listen. So maybe I do have a choice in the matter.

Maybe I am just crazy.

Oh, the lyrics above are from Dave Matthews Band, song is called Dancing Nancies. You should listen to it.

Pictures...

2005-11-29T19:17:00.000-06:00

Crazy week...

2005-11-27T20:16:00.000-06:00

Here I go again, not knowing where to begin. A lot has happened in this past week. Rachael was in town and we were very busy between going to Santa Ana everyday and doing other things such as passing out food, building a house, and taking kids out to eat. Thanksgiving day we didn't get done working until 5pm and Friday we worked all day building a house. I guess I will begin with my update on Jonathon…

Randy Klugee and his family and some of their friends from the states went up to San Miguel to distribute some food so Rachael and I went with them. I got to see a good friend of mine who I hadn’t seen in a long time, Armando. Armando is a really cool man who helped us all summer long building. It is amazing the bonds you can build with people in such a short time when the foundation is Jesus. Then we went to check on Jonathon who just had is casts taken off after 3 and half months. The pins in his wrists are sticking out more than usual and the plate in his hip is definitely not normal…I feel pain just looking at him. He is going to need physical therapy but I don’t know how that works here but will look into it. I fear if he doesn’t start doing something he may have problems walking.

Then as we were leaving I saw a crowd of children around my truck and they were all washing it for me, it almost brought tears to my eyes. One of the children took off his shirt and was drying my car with it. It was amazing and one of the sweetest things I have ever seen.

The other experience I want to share with you (the best I can with words on a page) is the house that we built in Nueva Oriental. We built it for an old woman named Rosa, who I have written about a couple of times before. She is one of the sweetest old women I have ever met. She always has a smile on her face and she has nothing. When I told her we were going to build her a new house she cried and hugged me and then hugged Rach and then cried some more, it was so cute. It was such a great pleasure to be able to build her a house.

Throughout the day many people asked me for many things. I left with at least five letters asking for a house. People asked me for beans, shoes, tin, candy, money for school materials…and to be honest with you I became pretty frustrated. I started to think that the only reason these people liked me was because of the stuff they might get from me. It made me a little agitated and it wore me down. That night as I talked to Rach about the day and it hit me…the reason why I felt like this was not because they were bugging me asking me for things because they live in a constant state of desperation just to survive that I could not possibly understand and my frustration with them was actually a wall that I had put up myself…you see, I love it here and I love to do what I can to help (which isn’t much I know)…but I can’t help everyone…I just can’t. I want to. I wish that I could, but I can’t. And it breaks my heart, so instead of feeling compassion and being broken I choose to close myself up and shut them out, I make it their fault when really it is my fault for not trying to love them the best that I can. By the end of the day Rosa was as happy as she could’ve been with her new house, but what about the blind man who doesn’t have a house, what about the woman with a new born child with no father, what about them? I guess we just go on, doing what we can, loving people the best we can. I have so much to learn in this, good thing I have an ever present teacher. I will post some pictures tomorrow.

Children's Home Pic...

2005-11-09T21:13:00.000-06:00

Told you I would post one!!!

Compactor...no me gusta

2005-11-04T19:45:00.000-06:00

Ok, I had a really long day today. Tough physically. If you have never used a compactor before…consider yourself lucky and don’t desire to ever use on, at least not the kind I was using. I won’t bore you with anymore of those details, except that I was compacting the floor of the children’s home that is being built right now and I think every muscle in my body is sore. I would post some pictures but I always forget my camera, maybe tomorrow. All of the block will be laid by the end of tomorrow. I have been going out there almost everyday to deliver things or just work out there.

I can’t tell you how excited I am for the Children’s Home to be completed and to see children in there. I can still remember the first time that Tim and I saw the property in Santa Ana, the change is amazing and I feel unworthy to have seen all that I have seen go up. I won’t bore you with a list, but it is a lot, a complete transformation. When we first saw the property Honduras was in a drought and it was completely dry out there, since the summer it has rained more than I have ever seen it rain here.

Today I also ran up to Los Pinos to drop off some food for a couple of the families and food for after Sunday Morning worship for the children. It is always great to see the kids and other people that I have grown to love so much. It always refreshes and revives me when I get to just spend a little bit of time with my friends up there. They can really make you think about your life. It is amazing the faith it takes just to survive in some of these communities. I have so much to learn from my friends here. I thank God for what He shows me.

Mason...Cutest baby in the world.

2005-10-15T20:01:00.000-06:00

Tell me that he is not the most precious thing you have ever seen. You have to love that expression. That is my nephew!!!

2005-10-15T19:59:00.000-06:00

(I wrote this October 10 but because of internet problems have not been able to post it)

It has been a pretty long time since I have written. So I will try to explain what all has been going on in the past few weeks of my life…

On September 17th I traveled to the states for I guess what you could call my first furlough. I was gone for three weeks. I spent the first week in Nashville visiting Rachael, I had a great time there with her meeting her friends and family. Then I went on to Tempe, AZ to see my family. I hadn’t been home for over 7 months so it was great to see my parents, my little brother Casey (who is not so little anymore, he is about 6’1 and only 15 years old), my older brother Bobby who is a firefighter, his wife Michelle, and of course the most adorable and precious baby in the world, my nephew Mason who is about a year and a half old. I had a wonderful time hanging out with my family and it just didn’t seem like I was there quite long enough.

I returned to Honduras this past Saturday, after spending a day and a half in Miami with Mark Herrera and his wife who were kind enough to pick me up from the airport and let me stay with them.

Sunday was a great day for me. Jen Arnold, Katie, and I went to Los Pinos for Church. We had a drunk man come up to my car window and yell at me saying that my country put him in jail when he was in Miami, he seemed upset at first and then after a few seconds his tone changed and said “God bless you” about ten times to us. He was pretty drunk. Then we went on up the mountain to Los Pinos where I got to see all of my kids who I haven’t seen in over three weeks. It was so good to see them all again. I was greeted with hugs and kisses, somebody even said they knew I would be back because I am a Honduran now. Xiomara, the mother of one of the families I have become very close to, her middle daughter, Joselyn is about to graduate from elementary/middle school and she asked me if I could be present for the ceremony as her “Padrino” which means Godfather, and I of course with joy accepted the honor. Xiomara was so excited that her daughter was graduating and with A’s in every class. She also was so excited that she is going to go on to High School and receive much more education than she herself has received. It was a beautiful moment that I am grateful I could be a part of.

Today, Monday, I had a couple of errands to run and then I went out to Santa Ana where we are beginning to construct a Children’s Home. I met with Timoteo, our Head of Construction, and we discussed what needed to be done in the next couple of days. I will be pretty busy getting all of the startup materials out there for the next couple of days and the footers and foundation will hopefully move along quickly as we have around 3,500 blocks ready to be used. I will keep you updated on the progress of the children’s home and do my best to post pictures every once in a while. I promise it won’t be another month before I write again.

In the states...

2005-09-27T11:29:00.000-06:00

Just to let everyone know, I am in the states right now. I had a very busy 2 weeks before I left Honduras and just have not had time to sit down and think and write. I will soon though. Just wanted to let everyone know that I am fine and in the states.

Nueva Oriental

2005-08-30T20:40:00.000-06:00

Well, I hadn't been out to Nueva Oriental in a couple of weeks and it was really good to go back. I went to go and finish a couple of the classrooms that were missing a couple of boards and to finish a floor that was missing just a few pieces.

I love getting to see the people we get to work with during the summer. It is such a encouragement to see people with such great faith. People who do not stop talking about God from the moment I get there until the moment I leave. There is one lady who always yells and screams in excitement everytime I see her, I gave her a bag of food and she said in excitement, "oh, God is blessing me!!!" And of course I got to see all of my kids from up there who helped me with the wood and the tools and when I was passing out food two of the boys where brothers and so they tried to give one of the bags back. It is amazing to see children in the situation that these children are in and still be that honest. I learn so much from them. I am blessed by God for knowing these people.

Better story???

2005-08-28T19:40:00.000-06:00

Not this time. This time I don’t wish I had a better story. This time my story is good enough. In fact no one else has my story, my story is unique. My story is special. My story is not meant to be compared to anyone else. My story is what it is (as Mark Connell would say). My story was written by the hand of God. I wouldn’t want it any other way.

I was having a conversation tonight about different people and what their “turning point” was. I believe that everyone has a “turning point” or as Tim would call it a “burning bush” experience. Now I don’t care if you grew up “in the Church” or not, you should have a story. By the way I hate that phrase, “I grew up in the Church”. It almost tries to imply that because your parents always went to “Church” that you somehow are exempt from your road to Damascus story. That you never really had a time of “conversion” because you always went to Church. Don’t get me wrong, I believe with all of my heart that we should teach our children about God, and when I have children I will definitely do that, but that does not mean you do not have a story to tell.

We all have a story. We all have moments in our lives that define who we are going to be. We all have struggles that we face and hardships to overcome that cause us to make a decision. We all have (or should have) a time in our life when we were broken on our knees looking up to heaven and beating our chest saying, “God, I am a stupid, weak person. I am tired of living this way. I want to give you my life fully. (now is when it gets scary). Do whatever you have to do in my life to bring me to where You want me. Father, I believe in Jesus and He is my only hope. I beg you to pull me out of this mess that I have made.”

All of our stories are different. There is not one that is better than another, and in no way is there a “qualification” for stories that are “good enough.” I will say it again, no story is better than another. So many times I have heard people say, “oh, well, my story is boring, it couldn’t reach anyone.” That is a bunch of junk. Someone saying that is like telling God that the way that He reached them is powerless. I don’t know about you but I am not willing to tell God that He is powerless or that He is boring.

The reason this came up in the conversation I was having is because it is amazing to see how different we all are. It is amazing to see how some things can reach some people and other things can’t. For example if I had a child at a young age, I believe that would be a turning point in my life and I would truly change. Or if there was a death of someone really close to me. Or maybe even if I had a near death experience. Yet I know people who have been through these things and have not changed, and the experience that I had that brought me to truly change was not any of these. My point is not that we judge what can change people’s lives, rather it is the opposite. We do not choose the experience that will change us, God chooses. And it doesn’t always make sense or happen the way that we want it to. Maybe all we do is choose to be open to it.

Maybe we should (I have said it before and I will say it again), stop praying for material blessings and pray for the hearts and lives of real people. Maybe we should ask God to break people down and to show them their “story.” Maybe we should ask God to produce the situation in which we ourselves and those we love could truly change. It is truly a sad thing to look into the lives of many of the people in the congregations we attend. People who could care no more about spiritual things than people of the “world.” People who would rather make money and live the “American Dream” than know God.

I don’t know about you, but I want to know God deeper and more. Now my actions most of the time may not say this but that is really what I want. I feel so trapped sometimes. The world tells me what God is suppose to look like and what God is suppose to do and how He is suppose to work, and I listen, when, I should be listening to the story that God is whispering in my ear. But for some reason when I hear the whisper I don’t feel like the story is good enough. I think, “but look how God is using ‘***’, He will never use me like that”.

So we all have a beautiful story that is more powerful than we realize. Maybe when we stop this comparison game we will see that more clearly. And this, I believe, is true for all areas of our lives. Many people form what they believe love is in their mind to be the same as it is in the movies, or even how it is with their parents. You just can’t do that. God is an intimate, personal God who created us to be someone specific. And you know what…we are all different. He will guide us on a road that is unlike anyone else. He will whisper “Your” story in “Your” ear as you walk through life.

It is important that we know our story. We can tell people about Jesus all day long, but most people want to hear how and why Jesus is real in “Your” life. Why and how “You” truly changed. Why “You” believe. People want to hear your “road to Damascus” story.

Know your story and love your story. You are the only one who has it.

If you don’t have a story yet, pray that God will show it to you.

Let God guide you through the story of your life.

Take a step out of the boat and you will have a great story to tell that is written by the author of life. I think that is another huge part of why I love living here. Many people have their turning point here in Honduras and for many different reasons. For some it is seeing the poverty, for some seeing a poor child, for others an orphan. For some it is the realization when you are passing out a bag of food that there really are people in the world who rely on God for all of their needs when the person who receives the bag thanks you and tell you that they had been praying for food. I could go on and on for pages, but you get the idea.

See your story and use it. Listen to the whisper, not the crowd.

Love, freedom, contentment...

2005-08-16T08:43:00.000-06:00

"So guys, let's not just talk about love, let's practice real love. This is the only way we'll know we're living truly, living in God's reality. It is also the way to shut down debilitating self-criticism, even when there is something to it. For God is greater than our worried hearts and knows more about us than we do ourselves."
"And friends, once that's taken care of and we're no longer accusing or condemning ourselves, we're BOLD and FREE before God! We're able to stretch our hands out and receive what we asked for because we're doing what he said, doing what pleases him. Again, this is God's command: to believe in his personally named Son, Jesus Christ. He told us to love each other, in line with the original command. As we keep his commands, we live deeply and surely in him, and he lives in us. And this is how we experience his deep and abiding presence in us by the Spirit he gave us."

This is 1John taken from the message. I read over this yesterday and for some reason had to read it 5 or 6 times. I guess I read it that many times because I love the words. These words describe so much of what is in my heart. Words like "real love" and "free." They describe so well what I want to be and what I am striving for (most of the time just crawling to).
They are words that inspire me. They are words of comfort. We spend so much time worrying about so many different things...but God is greater than all of that. He loves us more than we can understand and He is working things out to fit His will. He is conforming us, or molding us into a shape that looks like His. He is teaching us true love. He is teaching us freedom. He is teaching us contentment. And there is no one better to teach us, than the One who loved us first.

Jesus wept...

2005-08-13T18:24:00.000-06:00

as everyone else did. I am sure of it.

I think I understand Jesus' love a little more because of this experience. This had to be one of the most beautiful things I have ever seen. It happened about a week ago, it was a day after the group left and the day before the interns were leaving, so of course they all wanted to say their goodbyes. We worked more in Nueva Oriental this year than anywhere else, this is where the most relationships were made so last Sunday we pulled up to Oriental threw as many children in the two trucks we had that would fit and took them out to eat. We took 15 kids, plus the 11 of us that were there. I don't want to share where we took them, I want to share with you the goodbye that we experienced.

When we brought the children back it wasn't long before what seemed like the whole community gathered up around the two trucks we drove. The children and the people all knew that everyone was leaving. This was quite possibly the longest goodbye I have ever experienced. We tried to leave for at least an hour and a half. At least. Mothers were balling their eyes out, as were so many of the children. Even grown men were crying.

Rachael and David must have gotten 50 letters or small gifts. All of the interns just went around hugging everyone. Finally there was a huge mob of people and they decided to pray together. One of the men from the community prayed. I can't write words that can express the love and the emotion that was in that prayer. It was real. It was definitely a spririt led prayer, as the 50 people who were gathered in that circle all had their hands on each other and the most memorable noise was weeping. I was in the back of the circle and tears filled my eyes but the smile on my face was more powerful. I have never experienced anything like that. Everyone in that circle was weeping, and weeping loudly.

I don't think I really knew what weeping was until that day.

The whole time the people were thanking God that we had come into their lives and into their community, when we were more blessed to have known them and their simple faith. This was real, real relationships, real love. It all hinged on God, none of it had to do with the "stuff" we gave them. All they cared about was the love that we gave them, although, the love that they gave us, in my mind, was far more than we could ever give them. Some of us had mothers and grandmothers ask us to be Godparents. It was a beautiful day. I have to say it again, experiences like that are why I live here. I thank God for the people who come here and pour their hearts and souls into the people here. Without them we would just be building houses.

God,
I pray that we can pour our hearts and our souls into You and into Your people. I pray that you take away our fears. I pray that you break us down whenever you need to. I pray that we realize how much You love us and that Your love will compel us to love as you love us. Guide us by Your spirit. Fill us with the desire to know You. We want to love You with everything we are. Only in the name of Jesus can we stand before you, and it is through Him we pray.

AMEN

Tired...

2005-08-09T21:10:00.000-06:00

I think I have come to an all new understanding of what it means to be worn out. This summer was a whirlwind that has tired me out like never before...but...I loved every minute of it, even the minutes when I thought I couldn't go on.

That is why I haven't blogged in so long, I have simply been too tired. There are so many stories that I want to tell, but tonight I am going to tell the most recent one.

Today, AB and I went to San Miguel to help Mark Connell and his family build a house. We got there when they were about half way done. Right when we got there a man named Armando ran up to me and started telling me all sorts of things.

Let me back up a minute...yesterday Mark told me about a man who had helped them all summer and who was crying like a baby when the Mi Esperanza interns were saying goodbye. I myself, had not been to San Miguel for a long time. It just so happens that Armando's house was the first house we built in San Miguel this summer and I was the crew leader for that house. And it just so happens that this is the same man who helped everyday that we worked up there and who was crying like a baby when everyone was leaving.

The first thing that Armando said to me was, "I thought that you left without saying goodbye."

He then took me to his house where he showed me the two dividing walls he put up in his house and all of the tools that the Americans had given him. He went on to tell me how we were sent from God and how much he appreciated the great help that we gave him, always acknowledging God first, and then us. He then told me how much he loved all of the people who came down and he named Mark and Lori and all of the Mi Esperanza interns. Then he went on to say how even though there were many people that he loved that he had one person who was special to him. For some reason, one that I don't understand or know, that person was me for him.

Moments like that are a big part of why I live here.

For some reason, this man loves me. He would not stop saying how much him and his family loved me. What did I do? He hadn't seen me in a long time, but he still told me all of these things.

It is not very often you see the impact you have on people. It never crossed my mind that I had impacted this man at all. What did I do??? Nothing special, I just tried living for Jesus, and doing that, in a messy way, I reached someone.

Today I couldn't help but cry when Armando told me those things. I couldn't help but cry because it reminded me of God's love for me. I don't know why He loves me like He does, but He does still. I don't deserve it, nor do I understand it, but still it is there.

Moments like those make me want to live. Moments like those make me want to love.

2005-07-18T07:18:00.000-06:00

...Frozen moment...

Time...

2005-07-18T05:26:00.000-06:00

Time goes by so fast. I don't know how many times I have written that on this blog but I will never write it too much. Time is worth so much to me. I remember before the first group came, I remember the anticipation and the excitement, I remember it as if it were yesterday. I believe I have done a fairly good job of taking in what God has been showing me this summer, but still I cannot believe there is less than three weeks left of the summer.

I open my bible and I see a picture of my girl Linda from three years ago. She is so big now. I can still remember that summer when she was 6 years old swinging a pick ax that was bigger than her. My family sends me recent pictures of my beautiful nephew and he has grown so much from the picture that is on the backgroud of my computer.

Sometimes I just want to freeze time and get all of the people I love together and just hang out. Just sit around and talk and not worry about time. Just enjoy the moment that has so much value simply because of the presence of the ones you love. Not do anything specific, just be there.

I get those moments a lot living here, I will be working and rushing around and then a little kid will grab my hand and all of a sudden time freezes, or at least drastically slows down. Then I am in that moment and content, I see the value of what is going on and I enjoy it, if only for that moment.

Those moments even me out. Sometimes you want to grab your favorites and drag them into that moment with you. I want to live my life in those moments. I think that may be why we love pictures so much, they freeze a moment in time. They bring back memories and sometimes help us to re-experience something again or help us to experience something that we missed.

We watched Dead Poets' Society the other night. "The powerful play will go on and you may contribute a verse."

"Sieze the day."

Live and love.

It is simple. Don't get caught up but take the opportunity that is in front of you and leave your mark. I imagine life without me, things would go on the same, I know. I am here though, and I am faced with the opportunity to live and love, we all are. I want to accept every opportunity that I have. I want to more than accept the opportunities, I want to embrace them. I don't want to miss those moments in time when a child is reaching out their arms to me or when someone is hurting and just needs somone to listen.

You might all think I am crazy now. You may have been expecting to hear about what is going on here, but this is what you get. Take this for what it is, just some thoughts.

Got my truck stuck...

2005-07-09T22:00:00.000-06:00

Yesterday I said to a couple of my best friends, "Sometimes you need to live a little, take some chances."

Let me back up a little. I have been in constant pain for about two weeks now. I am not really sure how I did it but I separated my muscles or tendons from the bone or something like that. Doctors tell me it takes six weeks to heal. Huh. Pretty funny, try living in Honduras in the summer and not doing anything. Every breath I take I feel pain.

Yesterday I was determined not to do anything physical and I was doing a good job until I decided to "live a little." We were suppose to build a house in the middle of nowhere but do to certain circumstances we couldn't, but the lady we were building for was expecting us so I decided a non-physical activity that I could do was to go and tell the lady we wouldn't be able to return until Monday.

If you saw the first road (mountain, in no way shape or form was this a road) we drove up you would've thought I was crazy. Then we walked to speak to the woman and told her we would be back Monday...then...we encountered a beautiful sight...a Rock that overlooks some of the most beautiful land that I have ever seen. In my mind and in that moment I decided to drive my truck to that rock. Which brings me back to telling David and Rachael, "Sometimes you just have to take a chance, see something and go for it."

That is what I did. I made it to that rock fairly easy, took some pictures enjoyed the view for a little a while and then decided to head back. Or so I thought. I got about half way and slowed down too much where I should have gunned it and got stuck in some mud.

Now I am in the middle of nowhere, no one knows where I am. David, Rach and I work for at least an hour in the muddy water trying to get my truck out and the only reason my chest isn't throbing is because I am too worried. There was about 45 minutes there where I was completly hopeless. I was at a loss, I didn't know what to do, I didn't think any other trucks could make it to where I was. But I made the call for help and Randy came to help me out. Some how he pulled me out with five people pushing on the car. Then Randy almost got stuck and we had to push him out and then I got stuck again and got a flat tire, I had about a four inch gash through my tire and we couldn't just jack the truck up because the ground was too soft so we had to position rocks so that the car would jack up.

Finally we were out, David, Rach and I were completly covered in mud, completley . Randy's bumper on his rental truck was pretty messed up. Then we went back to the work sites and helped finished the last house and got back home.

Yesterday I learned an invaluable experience. I love those days, maybe not at those times when I am hopless but at the end looking back. Nothing is impossible, Nothing. I truly believe that, at times I forget that and then at times I am reminded. But it is a great analogy of life. We become hopeless at times all throughout our life. And that is ok. It is ok to be hopeless because only when you are hopeless can you be filled with hope. Without pain, could there be joy? Without feeling broken, stupid and useless you are filled with nothing but your pride. Yesterday is a great example of the ride that God takes us on. It is a ride that God takes us on, whether we want to get on or not, He takes us. All we can do is sit back and smile. All we can do is take what He has given us and do the best with it where we are at this moment. That is all He asks. My truck was two feet and mud and I was covered in Mud and God pulled me out. More amazing than that is that I was buried in sin and in Hell and Jesus came down and pulled me out. Thank you Jesus.

My busted up eye...

2005-06-30T22:51:00.000-06:00

this pic does not do it justice, believe me. Beware of Honduran girls.

I wish I had a better story...

2005-06-30T05:31:00.000-06:00

Maybe something like...

I was walking to get something out of my truck on the mountain the other day and 3 honduran men jumped out of nowhere. One swung a machete at me and I partially blocked it but then got hit just above the eye. The I took out all three of them by myself.

Like I said, that would've been a better story. The real one though...

A 12 year old Honduran girl almost knocked me out.

No kidding, after I got hit I stumbled for minute and became dizzy. She almost knocked me out. This is a saftey reminder if nothing more. A couple of people were passing up wood to the work site and the Honduran girl was at the end...she wasn't looking where she was putting the wood...she put the wood smack dab above my eye. Most people didnt even realize it happened. I tried to say "I am fine, I am fine." Everyone else was saying, "no, you are not, no you are not." I put my hand to my head and it was covered in blood. Burning rubbing alcohol, huge needles, scrubbing, eight stitches, and about 2 hours later I was back to the work site. I was dizzy off and on the rest of the day and I am still getting headaches.

I am still searching for the point, or for the reason of why this happened. Only thing I can come up with is that is happened to distract me. Satan saw an opportunity to make me frustrated and mad and he took it. I could have yelled and cussed and went home for the day. I could have came back to the work site and sat down. I could've yelled at the people who were responsible for hitting me with the board. I didn't do any of those things though. I did what I could with what I had. Things happen that you can't control. The only thing you can control is your reaction to what has happened. Bow up and take it. You are being tested and tried. What are you going to choose? At least realize that there is a choice to make.

Busy day ahead.

It has been a long time,

2005-06-29T06:45:00.000-06:00

I know, I know.

I can't think of a time in my life where I have been more busy, more tired, gotten less sleep than now. But, I also can't think of a time in my life where I have been more fulfilled. And I am not talking about fluffy feelings. I have been in situations and have had to make decisions on the spot. I have been responsible lives, and believe me, this can cause a little stress. I haven't had a moment to spare. It has been tough, but it has taught me so much. I have been stretched, and I pray I will always be stretched for Jesus, a couple times I thought I was going to snap, but here I am still.

After Mark Connell's group left the group from Melbourne, New Orleans, and North Carolina came. They leave for the states today and another group comes in today. There is no way I can re-tell all of the stories that I have seen in the past two weeks so I am just going to pick one. Still words do not do it justice.

Organized Chaos.

There are no better words that I have to describe what we experienced a few days ago. Have you ever seen people when they are desperate? Now I am not talking about desperate for a new car or a girl, or anything like that. I am talking about desperate for food, clothing and shelter. Our basic needs. Because of the torrential rains many people have lost everything they had. Houses have fallen, clothes have been swept away in the rain, people have died.

Before I go any further let me tell you that we had a plan to do some other things on this day. When I say we had a plan what I really mean is we are dumb people but God still leads us and directs us. Due to a few factors we couldn't go through with "our plan." God had something else in mind. The rain damage was unbelievable again and the Spirit led us back into the community of San Miguel.

This brings us back to where I was. We decided to do a food and clothing distribution and also to send out a few crews to dig out mud that was overwhelming people's homes. The amount of help that was given that day was amazing. I brought up cooked food for the people in the area so I arrived a little late and what I saw upon entering was pretty much what I expected...Organized chaos. There was a line of at least 250 people outside of the building we were using. In the midst of all of the noise and pushing and complaining a few of us sang songs. Amazing Love was one of them. The chaos remained but peace was put into...At least a few hearts. We got back to the reason of why we were there...to be the body of Christ.

Imagine the Chaos that was created when Jesus was around. This adds another element of how perfect Jesus was. Dealing with Chaos is not an easy thing but it is a real thing for those who are desperate. And in the midst of the yelling and cheating to get more things, my heart still had compassion because I wondered to myself...

What would I do if I was desperate? What if I didn't have a dry floor to sleep on? What if I didn't have food to feed myself or my 6 children? What would I do?

I honestly don't know.

We are all desperate whether we realize it or not. There is one thing we all have in common that we need more than anything. May our lives always be built around that one common factor. May we always keep that one common bond. May we always be desperate for the one thing that really matters.

And it starts again...

...And another one...

2005-06-07T21:18:00.000-06:00

Ok. Two in a row. Today the experience was a little different but it was still overwhelming, probably even more so.

A couple of us went into a community called San Miguel today to check on a couple of families. It has been raining a lot and there is a lot of flooding in this particular community. When I say flooding I am talking tsunami looking before and after pictures. Check out www.torchone.blogspot.com to see the pics.

Upon entering a house that we built two years ago for a family of 10 I was holding back tears. Stepping into the house was not much different than the walk up the muddy hill to get to the house. My first step into the house my foot sunk down at least 3 inches into the mud. One of the children had scabies, which means they all probably do. They could not stay in their house tonight. We will build a wood floor for them as soon as we can, but for now they will be staying in the Church building that is just below the house.

The other family we went to check on was in even worse shape. For starters the father is an alcoholic and beats his wife and comes home when he wants. Their adobe house collapsed. They are also staying at the Church Building. We will build them a new home as soon as we can.

There are a hundred other stories just like these that we haven't even heard.

The rest of the day consisted of talking with the leaders of the church to make sure that everything was covered so that the people who were in need could get some help. We will be back there tomorrow doing what we can, although it never seems like enough and we can't help everyone.

So we will go on, not fixing everything, not helping everyone, but doing what we can with what we have. Another 2 coins in the collection plate.

Pray that it won't rain here.

One of those days...

2005-06-06T18:47:00.000-06:00

Well, today was another one of those days that reminds me of why I love being here so much. We built a house for a family of four. The whole day the man helped us with the house and at one point I just sat down and talked to him for a little while. It was actually more of me listening to him talk to a couple of other women who came to the house looking for help. They came looking for help and never actually had the opportunity to talk to me...or they had the opportunity but found help in another way. When women came the man of the house told them to seek God first. He talked about praying with Faith. He told the women that he had prayed for a house a year earlier and that he knew God would give him what he needed and that He would do it in His own time, not on ours. The women never asked me for a thing. When we had finished building we brought the family in and prayed with them. Both the mother and father were crying with joy, thanking God First, and then us. Today we got to fully see the effects of what God did through us. And that is what it is about, helping to give others what they truly need and today we supplied such a basic need...shelter. Something we never even think about as being an issue. Something so simple. Today was a good day.

j

Really???

2005-06-02T06:40:00.000-06:00

Is it really June 2nd?
Has the first group already came and left?
Is the next group really coming tomorrow?
Is it really less than two weeks before the interns get here?
Has the summer really already begun?

YES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

You know that feeling when you are so excited for something and then it comes and goes before you know it? That excitement and fear I am realizing already. I remember thinking..."Terry's college group will be here tomorrow." They left a week ago. It was an amazing trip, about 35 and we had a great time. We built some houses, visisted some orphanages, had some great conversations, had some unforgettable experiences (what is a TORCH trip without those?) it was a great start.

I keep getting emails from people who are coming and all they say is:
"I am so excited to get there!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

And my response is...
"Can you bring me some...???"

Jokes aside. My prayer for this summer is that we can breathe in all that we are going to experience. That we will see clear, if only at times, the face of Jesus and hear His voice, saying "follow me." My prayer is not only for what we will obtain, but also for what we will let go of. My prayer is not that we build "X" amount of houses, but that each one we build we build as the body of Christ in the name of Jesus, not in the name of our pride. I pray our hearts are soft and our senses are sensitive to the needs that we come across. Let's do it with everything we've got. What do you say???

Nothing new...

2005-05-20T00:32:00.000-06:00

5:00 am (had to leave by 6am to pick up the wood)
Alarm clock

7:30 am
“Hey Paul, think the truck can carry all of this wood to Valle de Angeles?”
“I don’t know, what do you think?”
“Ahhh, let’s go for it. We don’t have time to come back into town today.”

10:00 am
“Alright Nate, you take the first house and I’ll take the second.”

11:00 am (*Holy Toledo is an actual person whose name is actually just Toledo. He is a preacher in Valle de Angeles. Funny guy.)
“No, Holy Toledo, this site is not ready yet we can’t build here, how far is the other site?”
“Past my house, about 15 minutes.”
“So, do you think the truck can make it to the site?”
“Yeah, sure, no problem.”
“And the bus?”
“No the bus isn’t going to make it.”
“Ok, let’s do it. We need to hurry though, looks like it is going to rain.”

11:45 am (Begin Rain) (*The “soon” used here is a relative term, in this case, more specifically, it is used in the Honduran sense)
“Ok, you guys stay here, I will drop off the wood real quick and come back to get you soon. I need about 3 of you to come with me now.”

12:45 pm (Continue Rain)
“That was pretty quick, now that the wood is down I am going to go back in pick up the others who are waiting at the bus. Holy Toledo, can I turn around up there?”
“Yes, of course you can. Turn around right there.

12:47 pm (Continue Rain) (Tires slipping)
“Ummmm…Well, the ground is too soft for me to reverse, but I think I can cut it and slip through those trees.”

12:48 pm (Continue Rain) (Continue slipping of tires)
“Well, that didn’t work. Holy Toledo, go get the others and brings some wood.”

1:00 pm (Enter 4 torchers) (Continue Rain) (Continue slipping of tires) (*Trees can also be used as devices to stop a really big truck from rolling down a mountain)
“No!!! I did not crash into this tree, I just used it to help me stop. Now jump in the back of the truck to give it some weight. Ok, not working let’s put some wood under the tires. Not working either. Any ideas?

2:10 pm (Enter 4 Hondurans with machetes (big knifes)) (Continue Rain and slipping of tires)
“Can you guys help us? What do you think we should...”
“...Chop, Chop, Chop…boom.” (falls a 40 foot pine tree) (AB cheering in the background)
“Ok, I guess that works, but what about that tree in front of me? I can’t get thro....”
“...Chop, Chop, Chop…boom.” (Falls another 40 foot pine tree) (AB cheering in the background again)
“Thanks guys, but if anyone asks, No Fui Yo.”

2:45 pm (return to pick up the others) (Continue Rain)
“Where have you been, we have been worried?’
“Well, I sort of got the truck stuck a little bit, no big deal.”

3:25 pm (first post hole is dug.) (Continue Rain) (Everyone soaked from the rain, many shivering)

3:35 pm (Cell phone rings) (Continue Rain)
“Joe, I need you to bring me a chainsaw, mine are dull.”
“There is no way I can get over there, use a handsaw.”
“I didn’t bring one.”
(Look at both chainsaws at my site, one blade is on backwards) (*Chainsaw blades appear really dull if put on backwards) (Laugh) (Continue working)

5:20 pm (Continue rain) (Water logged and freezing cold) (4 walls up)
“Ok, let’s pack up and go, we will have to finish another day.”
(Family in need that much closer to having a decent place to live)

6:30 pm (Continue rain) (*If others exaggerate a story of your’s and it makes the experience seem cooler, go along with it, if not, embellish yourself)
“So Joe, we heard that you swerved to miss a child who jumped out in front of your truck, slipped 50 yards down the side of a hill and crashed into a tree…??? Did you almost die?”

“Yeah, I will tell you what, that child came out of nowhere but I managed to miss him while sacrificing my own safety, but what is there to be scared of when you have Holy Toledo with you? After sliding down the side of a hill I was able to strategically use the brakes to slow down enough so that when I crashed into the tree the truck didn’t get messed up at all. Then I had to cut a few trees to get out of the woods with my pocket knife, I’ll never leave home without it.”

“Wow, what a story, that is definitely ‘Blog-worthy.’

7:30 pm (Continue rain) (Devotional) (Hang out)

1:00 am (Continue rain) (Write blog)

1:30 am (Continue ra…you get the point) (Finish blog) (Go to sleep)
*The contents of this blog are authentic and typical.

Welcome to Honduras!!!!

The Ocean

2005-05-11T08:04:00.000-06:00

We are funny people. We spend so much time trying to get into the ocean, when all it is doing is spitting us back out (yes, I stole that from Seinfeld). This past weekend Nate and I went to San Salvador to visit AB. AB is a great guy who helps a lot with our groups in the summer. We went surfing...let me re-phrase that, we tried to surf, Nate and I did not actually surf. AB on the other hand is very good.

The ocean is an interesting place though. It is amazing, mysterious, unpredictable, dangerous, beautiful, powerful, and healing all in one. Some days the current kicks the junk out of you, somedays it helps you. Unfortunately, my two days at the beach the current was not so friendly. I spent 99% of my time battling the the force of the ocean just to get into a position where I could ATTEMPT to catch a wave.

I faced the ocean kind of the same way I tend to face life. Battle it for a little while and then give up for a little while, the only problem is when you stop paddling in the ocean the current takes you back to where you don't want to be. There is no such thing as standing still in the ocean, or in life. It is a constant battle, it is a constant adventure. Not always as exciting as you want it to be, but nonetheless, you are still in the midst of it.

The only thing that kept me paddling in that ocean was the chance to ride a wave. Ridding a wave is exciting, riding a wave is fulfilling. Paddling is not. After paddling for long enough without riding a wave you begin to forget about the wave. Without the wave what is the point? There isn't one. Without the wave, you are just paddling around. Without the current, there would be no wave.

Kind of like life, don't you think?

Ok, ok...

2005-05-01T07:20:00.000-06:00

It has been a little while I suppose, so I will fill all of you in on what has been going on. Last Sunday I was asked to lead the Lord's Supper at Los Pinos. Now, I can get around fine here in Honduras and I have done many Lord's Suppers...in English, but this was my first in Spanish to Honduran people. I am not sure what was more difficult; Speaking in Spanish or trying to think of something that relates to a culture not your own. Probably the latter. Though I love these people with all of my heart, I have never walked in there shoes...or lack of. I don't know what it is like to be paid $10 a day and that be "good" pay. There are so many things that I don't understand...so I stayed focused on the one thing that I do understand. Our Faith. Our hope. Our God. It really is amazing that God is moving and working all over the world in ways we have never even dreamed of, ways that I would have never seen if I didn't live here. I can only imagine how He works in other areas of the world.

This past week we have also delivered a bunch of supplies up to the San Miguel Church, made a couple of trips out to Santa Ana, gotten things ready for the summer, cleared out the warehouse for a couple of containers that are coming, and I am sure some other things that have slipped my mind right now but that about covers it. More later.

2005-04-20T07:43:00.000-06:00

This is one of the ton of pictures from KFC on Monday night...

KFC...

2005-04-19T21:18:00.000-06:00

I would've written this yesterday but I was too emotionally drained. The girl in the picuture who is like 20 feet in the air, well, it was her 8th birthday yesterday so Tim, Gena, Nate, Dalton, Dylan and I took her family out to eat along with their cousins who live right next to them. I apologize to all of you who know Linda, Erika, Joselyn, Elmer, Oscar, Wilson, or Fabiola. I apologize because it was such a wonderful day and I wish that you could've been there. I am sorry for what you missed. I don't even know where to begin in describing last night, but I will do my best.

On the way to pick up the whole crew (9 people including the two mothers) we got a flat tire and did not have a spare so we picked them up about an hour and a half late. Welcome to Honduras. You wouldn't believe the looks of relief on their faces when we arrived. They told me they thought I wasn't going to come because I was so late, but this just added to their excitement.

The car ride would've been enough. If all we would've done was drive around in the car all night, the night still would've been complete. They were all going completely crazy as if they had never been in a car before...and realistically this was maybe the 2nd or third time they have been in a car. We didn't have a radio but if we did we wouldn't be able to hear it anyways. Wilson was sitting up front with me, (in the future this child is going to need some ADD medicine for any future sponsors reading) and everytime, every SINGLE TIME that we passed someone, be it a car or a person, Wilson would yell, "Hasta la vista Baby." Of course this whole time he is pretending that he is driving.

I didn't tell them where I was taking them, but if I had they wouldn't have understood anyways. When we arrived though and they saw the biggest playground ever built (for those of you who are thinking 'how big of a playground can there be in a Honduran KFC'...you have NO IDEA, it is huge) they went to a whole new level of crazy. All of their eyes lit up and suddenly they all needed some tranquilizers, I just smiled and took them inside.

They all immeadiately went to playground and I went to buy the food. By this time I was truly convinced that someone had given them too much caffiene, then I proceeded to give them all cokes they could drink. They were amazed at the row of FREE fountain drinks. Grape was the official favorite.

They all would eat a couple of bites and then run off to play...come back huffing and puffing, take a couple of bites and then they were off again. I saw one of them go up into the playground with a chicken bone in thier mouth and not come down with it...not sure where it went.

Linda asked me how to use the trash can...she didn't know where to put the trash. How cute was that. Let me just say when I told them there was a bathroom in there, after 5 cokes each, it was like a race to the bathroom, girls were running with their legs crossed and the boys holding themselves, it was hilarious.

Then we ended the night by buying then ice cream cones, and it was a big mistake to bring them to the counter with me, there were all just yelling what they wanted and changing their mind every two seconds. Another hilarious experience, all I could do is sit back and laugh and then order them all the same thing.

There are so many looks that I will never forget. Words can't describe their looks. They were all precious though. I will never forget any of them. I can see why Children are so precious to God.

2005-04-11T20:33:00.000-06:00

Look at all of them looking down as if the escalator was going to eat them up!!! We all almost went falling down, getting on the escalator was interesting and difficult. But still just adorable.

Stories to go with the pictures...

2005-04-11T19:36:00.000-06:00

Ok, I must tell you the stories behind the pictures. I am going to connect you a little more to what I do here. Pictures are beautiful reminders, aren't they? They have the power to bring you back to a specific moment. They have the power to put you back in your place.

The first picture I posted was taken the day I posted it. It was in a community called Ciudad Espana. Ciudad Espana is a community that has been built by the Red Cross with some support from Spain. It is a very nice community, the houses are really nice...but...it is in the middle of nowhere and the people there, although they do have a nice home, still do not have work, food, and a lot of them shoes. We went out there to meet with some people and the kids there were just beautiful. The girl on the bottom part of the picture was very adorable, when we were leaving I told her it was a pleasure to meet her and in a very grown up and mature way she said "thank you." How cute is that?

The last picture I posted is probaly my favorite picture of all time. The girl who is on her way down is Linda. Certain people steal your heart when you come here. She stole mine the first time I met her and she steals it everytime I see her. We built a Church building right across the street from her house so she was around from the minute we began building there. I can still remember her two years ago at 6 years old swinging a pick ax that was bigger than her to help level out the land. She never asked me for anything, all she did was find me wherever I was run up to me and jump into my arms. She is one of three sisters with a single mom. She IS the cutest girl in Honduras. Her mother was working cleaning the street for about $4.50 a day but now is trying to start her own business at her house selling food. They had a dirt floor until this past summer when we put in a concrete one. They do not have electricity. I took them to the mall which is 15 minutes away from the house and none of them had ever been there. The mother who is probaly 35 years old had never been there. We rode the elevator probaly 15 times and they were scared of the escalator. They didn't know how to eat pizza, they were eating it backwards. It was the cutest thing I have ever seen. I will post a picture of that also. Everytime I throw Linda up in the air she says "mas alto, mas alto," which means "higher, higher." She has complete trust in me. Complete faith that I will not let her fall and she doesn't even think twice about it. We could all learn something from her. I am humbled when I look at that picture.

What I wrote doesn't even come close to showing you the actual experiences I have had here, words and pictures can't do it. I hope you understand a little bit better now though.

2005-04-10T21:06:00.000-06:00

How high? What a great picture of Faith.

2005-04-10T19:20:00.000-06:00

Aren't they adorable? This is out in a community called Ciudad Espana.

Great start...

2005-04-03T20:38:00.000-06:00

Well, I can confidently say that the group that just left was awesome. They all put their hearts into it and it was wonderful to see it. It brought back so many memories of my first trip here to Honduras, being that 33/34 were first timers. I have seen grown men cry who probaly never cry. A number of people told me how much closer they grew to Jesus in these past 10 days. I saw girls who couldn't hammer a nail in who can now do it. I had to drag a number of different people onto the bus when it was time to leave a work site or orphanage. Hearts were broken and filled with the Love of Jesus. I saw people change. It was beautiful.

Almost over...

2005-04-01T06:46:00.000-06:00

Well, the group that is here will be leaving on Sunday. We built two houses yesterday and we put wood floors in them, they look wonderful. Good idea Marc T. It took us all the way until 6pm to finish them, being that we had some minor problems. It is a peaceful feeling to know that you are serving God, to really know it. To be confident in faith that you are doing what God wants you to be doing in each moment. And man, am I tired. Today we are going to The Cassitas Kennedy Orphanage to have an inauguration of the playground that has been built the we are going to pass out a bunch of food.

Father,
Thank you for how much you love us. We can't even begin to give it back to you. We want to be your hands and feet. We want to supply the needs of others so that they will know You. Jesus, we know that the actual building and passing out of food all means nothing if it is not done in Your Name, for You are the reason we are here. In order to bring Glory to you. Father you have done so many great things this week. So many lives have been touched by your love. I pray that what we have seen, heard, smelled, and felt will never leave us. I also pray that when this group leaves they will go home on fire for you knowing that there is ministry in the States as their is here, just a different kind, not more important or less important, just different. Father, continue to draw us to You so that we may know Your love deeper, and may that be the reason we live the way we live. Lord, it is not enough to call you Lord. Words are not enough to express what you deserve. I pray for those who feel weak now, I pray that you will kick Satan out of their lives and give them the peace that comes from knowing you. We confess that You, Jesus, are the Son of the one and only God and that you have picked us up out of the filth of our lives by being You and You are the ONLY thing that can save us. Thank you for your forgiveness that we are always in need of, thank you for the sins that you remember no more and for the sins of our future that you will remember no more. We love you and want to know you, and only come to you in the name of Jesus.
Amen

Busy, busy, busy...

2005-03-29T19:53:00.000-06:00

Well, yesterday we built two houses with the group that was here. It was a great experience, many of the younger people on the trip had never hammered a nail before. They did a great job though and again, they interacted with the people very well. My favorite part of the day though, I must admit, is when I went to buy tin for the roof and I took three of my favorite kids with me. They had such a great time driving down in the truck, they may have only been in a car a few times in their life. They were so excited and that made my day.

Today we worked on building a playground for the children at an orphange called Cassitas Kennedy. Many of the kids are a little rough there because they come straight off the street and stay there no more than a year until they are able to move on to full time orphanage. There were some akward moments but for the most part the children at that home recieved a lot of attention and love. The playground will be finished tomorrow and is looking awsome.

Just wanted to let you guys know what is going on.

JMM

and it begins...

2005-03-26T19:45:00.000-06:00

Well we had a group come in yesterday of about 35 people, only one person has been before. Today we worked in the San Miguel Church pouring some sidewalks for them. This was a tremendously huge task. My day began with about 5 other people at 6:15 am. We had to go and pick up the sand and gravel for the day...we had to fill a whole dumptruck full of gravel and another full of sand...shovel by shovel. By the time we finished this we were pretty tired...and we hadn't even begun yet. My whole body is twitching from today's work, on the virge of muscle spasms, but it has never felt so good.

It was a great day...I could smell the summer air. The smell of huge things happening. Lots of physical work and lots of spiritual work. There were a ton of Honduran children at the Church today and the group interacted very well with them. Today was a great day.

Just as Jesus healed the sick to get the attention of the people, today we worked with all of our hearts physically to get the attention of the people. In a single day many people began relationships that they will never forget, relationships that will change their lives. Today was a beautiful day and today was only the beginning.

Thank God for what He is doing here. Thank God that people are being opened up to the love of Jesus like never before. Thank God that through the experiences that people are having here they will begin to search for their ministry. I thank God that He allows me to be a small part of His great plan.

As we like to say in Honduras...

God is good,
All the time,
and...
All the time,
God is good

Ministry...Evangelism...

2005-03-24T15:09:00.000-06:00

Marc T- I loved what you wrote, you too Paul. I see things the same way. Our lives should reflect our ministry and our evagelism. For each person is not the same.

Jaime, I too for a long time, too long, thought of "Evangelism" as only those people who are publicly verbal. I too have also changed my view on that. We have different talents and gifts, we try to do the best that Jesus wants us to do, not what the person next to us wants or thinks we should do.

Also whoever wrote "Ministy is ministy, evangelism is evangelism" what a great and simple way to put it. I think many times we overanalyze things.

I don't know if Ministy and Evangelism can be any more narrowly defined than being aware that God has a plan for us to bring others to Him and to be available and on the lookout for it. Maybe God has a ministry for all of us. Maybe we were created in a certain way to do ministry in a certain way that may or may not change. We certainly aren't all made to do it the same way.

I guess I asked these questions because I was thinking alot about what "my" ministry was. I for too long looked to others to define what it meant to minister and to evangelize. Your comments have helped me to confirm what I was along the lines of thinking. God defines our Ministry. God defines the way we evangelize. We have to discover these things, and the only way to discover these things is to spend time with God.

We All have a ministry though. We all have opportunities to evangelize, and if we have to we should use words. Let's seek and encourage each other along the way remembering that one is not better than another's or more important to God. Also keeping in mind that the Bible is our Authority, not our opinions.

Differnt Kind of Blog...

2005-03-16T22:46:00.000-06:00

I have a question. I am not writing out my thoughts but trying to get yours. So I ask you two questions:

What is evangelism?

What is Ministry?

Let me know what you think.
Thanks.

...111

2005-03-15T15:38:00.000-06:00

I can't believe the summer is only 2 months away!!! We will have a spring break group here on March 25 of about 30 people. A lot of newcomers, it is going to be fun.

We have been in the midst of a few different projects and errands, but this is what I am calling the calm before the storm. We are still staying busy but we have time to breathe right now. It is going to be a great summer.

We visited the San Miguel Church two Sundays ago. This is the Church that TORCH built last summer. They are doing well but are in need of some basic supplies and also some construction. I remember when Los Pinos first started out and now I see how much they have grown and matured and I am excited to see what is going to happen with the San Miguel Church in the future. A lot of work needs to be done but the process has already begun.

This past weekend I went to Lake Yojoa on a retreat as a chaperone. It was a great reminder of how important our young teenagers are. I had four 7th graders in my room and they were completely crazy for the first night but after spending some time with them they began to settle down and listen. I saw attention starved children. Kids who just wanted someone to wrestle with. Kids whose parents probaly don't give them the time of day. It was sad, but for a weekend I was able to give these children attention. Not much, I know, but it was something. I got to talk to them about Jesus, but more importantly I got to spend time with them. I got to show them that I cared, I didn't have to tell them.

So I am passing on the reminder that I was given this past weekend. If you have children or the opportunity to spend time with children...Do It. Invest your time in kids not tv. It will pay off. Just spend time with them, it doesn't matter what you do. Just be there. Think about it.

jmm

question...

2005-03-02T02:19:00.000-06:00

Ok, I have got a question for you. Why did Jesus love Lazarus so much? What was so special about Lazarus that Jesus came and raised him from the dead? Why was Jesus’ love so strong for that group of people? I know Mary displayed her love for Jesus by breaking a very expensive bottle of perfume on Jesus’ feet and wiping it up with her hair, but what did Lazarus do? I don’t get it.

I mean if we are suppose to love God and search to find what pleases Him why doesn’t the Word of God tell us why Lazarus got such great attention from Jesus? You know what, if you think about it, Martha confessed that she believed in Jesus and that He could do anything, but then two seconds later questioned Him about opening the tomb. What is up with that? And Mary, how many people did she get to believe in Jesus? Ooohh, she broke a bottle of perfume on His feet, what else did she do?

Do you ever feel like you are not good enough? Do you ever feel worthless? Do you ever feel like you are a failure? Do you ever feel messy?

Yes, yes, yes, and…yes.

Thank God for Jesus. Thank God for His Word. Thank God for His Spirit. Thank God for the way He moves.

Somebody once told me that she believed everything happens for a reason.
I agree.

Maybe what we weren’t told doesn’t matter. Maybe what Lazarus “did” was irrelevant. Maybe when Jesus said to Martha, “Did I not tell you that if you believed you would see the glory of God,” after she doubted Him, just maybe He said those words in a gentle whisper to remind her about what we all forget from time to time, whether we are business men, preachers, or missionaries, etc. Maybe Mary’s display of love for Jesus is a model for us, not just a story thrown in there for no reason. I am afraid if we experienced the same type of thing today our reaction would be more like Judas than Jesus. Maybe God loves all of us like He loves Lazarus, maybe God weeps for us too. Maybe our task isn’t any greater than Believing in Him and Seeking Him. That is the Gospel right there.

Well, it is 2am, I couldn’t sleep again. So this is what I have to show for it. I don’t claim to be the authority on any of this, just some thoughts. So I guess the question isn’t why Jesus loves Lazarus so much but why does Jesus love me so much?

Quick Update

2005-02-27T21:07:00.000-06:00

Just to let you guys know about this past week a little bit. I met with a couple of people about upcoming building projects, hung out with some of the Los Pinos Mission Team, purchased some school supplies for a Honduran child, went out to Jovenes En Camino, had our Wednesday night praise and prayer, and this past Saturday I went to a couple of feeding centers with a Mission group called Manos Extendidas. It was a good another great week in Honduras. I just wanted let everyone know what was going.

Today...

2005-02-22T18:55:00.000-06:00

Well, today was just one of those days where nothing goes right. I had a nice relaxing weekend and then at the beginning of the week I am bombarded with trials. I have also been sick for way too long now. Today was one of those days where you feel every emotion, excluding the good ones. I thank God for today though because today was one of those days that I realized that God and God alone gave me life and supports the life that I now live. I way too often am convinced that I am ok. I am not ok. I am not ok without Jesus. I cannot support myself.

I have been doing some reading lately and I have tried to put myself in the shoes of the apostle Paul. He wrote letters to churches with lots encouragement for them, when a lot of times he was in prison or on his way to prison. Imagine that…having to truly depend on God for your every need. Imagine that. Don’t fool yourself, the road we travel is not as difficult as Paul’s. I can’t help but imagine what I would do if I were in Paul’s situation. I can’t help but imagine but at the same time I become sick to my stomach, because I fear I couldn’t do what he did. I fear I would fall. I fear I would let down Jesus, when in all actuality I let Him down every day.

I believe one of the worst feelings that I can have is the feeling that I have let someone down. That I had disappointed someone. That I had not come through for someone that I love. These are the times that I hurt the most.

Thank God for Jesus. He is there every time I screw up. Again, I don’t know how He can still love me, but I am grateful that He does.

And I thank God for today, for the trials. Paul prayed that the Ephesians would receive the spirit of wisdom and revelation…so that they would know Him better. Paul did not pray for easy times, a new car, the healing of a disease. He prayed that the Ephesians would know Jesus more and throughout the letter Paul talks about knowing the “fullness” of Jesus. I say we start praying for the same thing.

Father,
We come to you in the name of Jesus and only in the name of Jesus can we come to you. We ask that you give us wisdom. We ask that you teach us and that you keep us humble. We desire to know You, we desire to know deeper your love for us. We pray that you draw us to you, even if that means that we have to experience trials and hard times. Lord, we pray for the physically sick, but more importantly we pray that you heal our Souls. Give us a desire to read your Word. I pray that we do not fear to read Your Word, we know that Your Word causes us to change, for to come into contact with You is to change. Some of us do not want to change, but we know we need to. We Love You. Our hearts are your’s, along with our mind, soul, and strength. We confess that we believe in Jesus, that only He can save us. We pray that your Spirit will guide us and that You will protect us from Satan, who is out to destroy us. We also know that if we put our Faith in You, Satan will run from us. Give us broken hearts that are filled with passion and compassion. I pray for Unity, for there is only one body, there is only one Church. I pray that we do not abuse the Freedom that you have given us. You are more beautiful and awesome than words can capture. All Glory is due You. We love You with all of our Heats and we thank you for everything You give us that brings us closer to you, even the uncomfortable and difficult experiences. Make us warriors. We want to you know You more. We Love You.
AMEN

...2

2005-02-21T17:52:00.000-06:00

Well, I wrote this last Thursday but I haven't had internet access so here it is...

The past week has been extremely busy. I have had a cough for over a month now and just can’t seem to get rid of it. About a week ago Nathan Reeves came here to live with us, he will be here six months.
Last week we built another wall to add another classroom onto Los Pinos. They now have 5 classrooms. It was a very peaceful day. We had about 10 or so Honduran Kids “helping” us. Nathan and I took our time building it, often stopping to talk with the kids or with the Mission Team that is working up at Los Pinos. It was a beautiful day to serve in such a simple way.
We are also in the process of moving the location of our Cucuy Building Project. There were some problems at the original site in Santa Lucia, and instead of making them worse we decided to look for another place. Well, actually, another place decided to look for us. A man who heard about the situation became upset because he saw the project as a good thing, bringing homes to people who do not have them. So this man donated a piece of his own land. God is amazing, it looks like we are going to have a lot more land and a lot more opportunity in this place than we did in Santa Lucia.
Tim, Nathan, and I spent all of Tuesday in meetings. We met with some very important people who also want to help the poor and the country of Honduras. We are going to be assisting them and they are going to be assisting us in some upcoming projects. We have a lot going on!!!
The last experience I want to talk about took place last night. We had a couple of friends over and spent some time singing and praying. It was a powerful experience. There were only about 6 of us there but we were all singing and praying with our hearts. It is always an amazing experience when you praise God in a group that truly wants to come in contact with Jesus. Whether the group is 6 or 60, doesn’t matter. What matters is that the people who are present are seeking God with their heart, soul, and mind. I was reminded of that once again last night. I was also reminded of how much God loves us. Just think about how much He has done for you, after how many times you have denied Him. It is truly hard to imagine why and how He can love me, I am nothing, but He loves me and searches me and wraps His arms around me still. Simply Amazing.

Home

2005-02-13T22:03:00.000-06:00

This past Wednesday I returned to Honduras. I was able to visit my family in Arizona for a week…a very short week. I didn’t have nearly enough time to do everything I wanted but I had a great time. My family is all doing well. My little brother is almost as tall as I am and is starting to put up a pretty good fight in Basketball. I spent pretty much all of my time with my family. I have a beautiful nephew who is almost 1. He is so adorable, words cannot explain it.
I haven’t really lived at home since I went away for college. Going home this time brought back so many memories. Everything that I was, everything that I knew, all of my friends…it is all different. Friends have moved and gotten married. My ideas and thoughts are no longer based on what people think (at least not nearly as much). I am living in Honduras!!! That says enough about how different I am…if you knew me in High School then me ending up as a missionary in Honduras probably surprises you. And somehow I am still the same person.
So I spent the week with my family and now I am back doing what I love. I wish that I could be with my family also, but that’s life, and all we have is one, and it is pretty short as far as I can tell. So I’ll try not to waste it. Memories are great reminders and motivation though.

Are you a success?

2005-01-28T01:05:00.000-06:00

Thanks for the comments, they were insightful and I will answer your questions at some point, but for now a little about my day...

...Today I was buying some concrete blocks from a man who I got to talk to for a few minutes. I don't know his name but he is originally from Nicaragua. I asked him if he liked living here in Honduras, he said he liked it alright and has family here. He went on to comment about how "good" life is in the states, by the way, he has never been there. Something that you hear from many people here. Honduran people, at least poor Honduran people, see the States as a problem solver. If only I had a dime for everytime a Honduran worker asked me to take them to the states. It is kind of ironic when you think about it...all of these Hondurans want to go to the place that I voluntarily left.

So I started thinking about success.

We equate how good our lives are by how much money we make. We judge our success by comparing ourselves to others. What is success anyways? Does success mean that we have "accomplished" more that 80% of the population? 90%? When can we finally relax and be content with what we are doing?

Or is it who we are that makes us discontent?

I believe that we should reject any movement that we have towards comparing ourselves with others. Comparisons are evil on both sides of the fence...think about it. If we are not as good as somone else we may fall into some type of depression or self pity. If we compare ourselves to the right people we can give ourselves credit that we don't deserve and fall into self righteousness and pride. Either way, we lose. Either way does not justify us or our actions.

Am I better than the man that I bought blocks from today? No. Am I worse than him? No. Am I the same? Still, no. All of those questions are irrelevant. They don't matter and they should never be motivation. I am not saying we shouldn't look up to others and aspire to develop some of their characteristics, that we should do. We should not aspire to be someone else or to be better than someone else.

When God said "Before I formed you in the womb, I knew you," He wasn't joking or being "symbollic." He knew you, He knew me. He formed us with intimacy, desire, and purpose. He designed each one of us with specific talents and gifts that we are meant to use. He formed us with things that make us "alive." He "knew" us.

Then there is Satan lying to us every step along the path.
"If you made more money you would be happy and so would your family, work the extra 20 hours a week."
"So what if you lie sometimes, look at that guy over there, he is a lot worse than you."
"You are no good, you should just give up. Look at that guy over there, he has everything that could make you happy."
---Fill in the blank_______________________________________________

Don't listen to the wrong voice. Don't follow the wrong spirit.

These are some of the things that bring me down. Luckily, there are reminders everywhere, if you are looking, a voice that you will hear, if you listen. The rest of my day was spent up at the Santa Lucia work site with my two helpers...Inmanuel and Giselle. Just the name "Inmanuel" alone is a sign, "God with us." I had to unload 200 concrete blocks down a flight of stairs, take some measurements of the land, and a few other small things. Inmanuel is 8, Giselle is 4, neither of them can lift a block. They are 2 of the 7 children who live in the first of the concrete houses we built. They hung out with me the whole time I was there, even at times walking up and down the stairs with me as I carried the concrete blocks two by two. They also held the end of the tape measure as I took measurements. I often stopped to just talk to them...and maybe sometime because I was tired of moving blocks. Their pure hearts were a beautiful sight to see.

So, am I a successful person? That I don't know, but what I do know...I am content most of the time. Inmanuel and Giselle were reminders, they are two reasons why we are building homes...so that children like them will have a decent and safe place to live.

Don't define your life by what you have, but define your life by who you were created to be.

Still awake...

2005-01-23T00:25:00.000-06:00

I have been tired all day, still am, but for some reason I felt compelled to stay awake. I don't really know how to explain it. I was tired enough to go right to sleep; instead I am fighting it, and I am doing pretty good after four cups of coffee. The weather is nice again here so I am outside on the porch. It is a beautiful night (or should I say morning), it has a peace to it that is comforting. A night that reminds you that everything is ok, there is nothing to worry about.

Today I got to visit a children's home and a rehibilitation center for gang members and drugatics. I got to speak with a young woman, probably 20-something, who works at the children's home. She told me stories that broke my heart. Children who have been beaten up, prostituted, abandoned, stabbed. Things that are unbelievable. Things that make you realize, just a little more, your responsibilities.

I shook hands with people who have taken other people's lives, and they didn't look much different from me. They didn't look much different that you either.

Sometimes I think that we skip levels of growth, or at least we try to. We study things, we learn things, and for what? To be educated? To know more than the next person? To sound good? Knowledge is power...but without the Holy Spirit, it is only the world's power. Have you ever met anyone who was so smart...yet they were still the dumbest person you knew? And why is it that you can read the lines from God's word a million times and still get something new out of it?

So many of us learn the who, what, when, and where, but we don't discover the why. We can tell you where Jesus was born, when he died, what miracles he performed, but sometimes we can't tell you why we believe in Him. And what more can we bring than our "story"? How did the Samaritan woman teach others about Jesus...through her encounter with Him. What more did people have in Jesus' time, than encounters?

Maybe we don't choose who and when we love. Maybe when we are ready, love chooses us. Jesus chose to love us, without that, we could never attempt to love Him. We wouldn't even know what love was.

Our "encounters" with Jesus and His Word is what changes us. I will not attempt to put these "encounters" into a box, how God will speak to you, I don't pretend to know. How He will speak to me, I don't pretend to know. That He is speaking, I do claim to know. Many of the people that I met today know Jesus, they may not know Greek or even what an epistle is, but they have had an encouter with God, and it has changed them. They have seen their guilt, and they have seen it washed clean. They have been truly blessed and truly changed.

They have hit the bottom. They had nothing left to hold on to. They make me ask myself, "What am I holding on to?"

Jesus told his disciples that He was going away to prepare a place for them. Philip asked Jesus to show him God, to show him a sign that he wanted to see. Jesus asked Philip, "Don't you know me, even after all this time?" He asks me the same question all the time. Everytime I doubt Him, everytime I try to hold onto something else, everytime I try to do something on my own. He whispers to me, "Don't you know me? Don't you trust me? Don't you remember all the things I have shown you? Don't you remember when you encountered Me?"

I realize my thoughts are scattered and they may not make too much sense to you. I realize that this is nothing more that some thoughts that came out at 2am. My question is, where did you encounter Jesus? What is it that has changed you? Or, what is it that is holding you back? I'll save my story for another time, I have already written too much, but being able to see people who are truly changed made me think, and this is what came out. Love you all. Goodnight.

j

Blessings...

2005-01-20T20:20:00.000-06:00

Thanks to Mark Connell, my mind is stuck on the concept of blessings. I hear so much when people pray, "thank you for the blessings." I can't help but wonder sometimes, what are blessings? Are they the new job that we got, the new car, the new digital camera? Is an mp3 player a blessing? I believe a lot of the things that we call blessings are acutally from Satan himself.

It is true that a great number of people here in Honduras have next to nothing. It is true that many are poor, dirty, and many have no chance of advancement. It is true that getting paid 200 lempiras ($12) for a days work is considered good pay.

It is also true that they are happy. They realize their need for God more than we do. They have not been "corrupted" as many of us as Americans have been. We thank God for meals because of tradition, they thank God for meals because they weren't sure they were going to have one. Notice I didn't say that they need God more than we do, they only realize more their need for Him.

People tend to turn to God when they are in trouble, as we all know. Our "blessings" have made us feel like everything is ok, our "blessings" have made us comfortably numb. Jesus didn't have the comforts that we have, He had greater ones, ones that, we, at times, get small glimpses of.
I am reminded of this here when I play with with a young child who has no father but everytime I see him, he has a smile on his face. I am reminded of this when a worker insists on giving me more than half his lunch when he has been out working longer and harder than I have. I am reminded of this when we are building a house for a family and one of the neighbor spends the whole day working hard, just to help his neighbor, when we don't even know our neighbor's name. I am convicted and realize just how selfish I am. I realize that more money or a better car isn't the answer to my problems, but that spending more time with Jesus is. I am reminded that some of my biggest blessings were when something was taken away from me, not given to me.

These are just some of my thoughts. A little of my perspective on things living here in a third world country. Think about it.

J

...2

2005-01-19T21:41:00.000-06:00

Today was another good day...a bit frustrating at times, but good. I went to finish a roof in Santa Lucia and the people who were welding the metal beams on the roof took 10 hours more than what they told me so I was there all day. There isn't electricity in the area either so it was the light from the moon that allowed me to drill in the last few screws. On my way home I almost hit a car that was driving the wrong way on the highway...the highway even had a median in it!!! Simply amazing. Then a taxi stopped right in front of me to chat with a couple of his friends for a few minutes, nothing unusual about that though I guess. Once we put a door and a couple windows in the house it will be ready for another family that is in need.

We also built a Torch house yesterday with the Mission Team (graduates from Baxter) and the Mi Esperanza Ministry team that has been here for about a week now. We built it for a lady who attends Los Pinos and is always very happy on Sundays. It was a good house, we took our time and it turned out really nice. Once you realize that building a house is not about you and that it is not even about the house it is a much more fulfilling and peaceful experience. I may get into that more some other time, but think about what the purpose of building a house is, or even the purpose of a Torch Trip. Really think about it, and I would really love to hear what you have to say, post a comment or email me if you would like. I will give you my thoughts on it another time. Well, I am beat but I will be sure to continue writing and I will try not to make them all this boring.

JMM

Number 1

2005-01-16T20:21:00.000-06:00

This morning worshipping in Los Pinos was amazing. I am getting to the point where I know most of the songs...and what they mean. Singing to God in a different language is an awesome experience, it makes you realize just how small you are. Sometimes we become so self consumed we fail to realize that there are people all over the world who are followers of Christ, people who love Him and are Loved by Him, just as we are. People who are going through worse times and people who are going through better times. We are so small, yet we are all so signifigant to God. He made us personally and intimately.
These kind of thoughts often run through my mind while I am up in Los Pinos holding one of those precious kids in my arms. I am reminded that we had no choice in when and where we would be born. As far as I can tell, it is what we do with what we have that matters and I am convined that what God has given me I am to share with others that do not have, to be His hands, His feet, His ears, His arms, or whatever else He may want me to be. I am so often weak and I so often fail, but still He is there. That kind of Love I cannot ignore.
So this is my first "blog." This is a little piece of me, I will do my best to be real and to share with you my experience in living in this beautiful city.

J